Summer Recap and Other Thoughts

I've got to admit, it's getting better.  It's getting better all the time. 

People said it.  We didn't believe them.  They kept saying it.  We kept denying it.  But, alas, it's really true.  It DOES get better. 

Landon and Harper are now 10.5 months old.  They laugh at jokes and not just a shadow on the wall anymore.  They smile when we walk in the room and not only because they farted.  They reach for us, kiss us, hug us and search for snuggles.  Best of all....they put their own pacifiers back in their mouths EVEN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT (most of the time).  All of this is the pay off for the first 6 months, when babyhood is not the most enjoyable moments for mommy and daddy. 

We are getting more sleep.  The 5am wake up calls are tough some mornings but it's hard to complain when they go to bed like a dream at 7pm.  Harper has now figured out stomach sleeping and I think she's real happy with it.  Landon usually doesn't fuss for much overnight - maybe a pacifier or a quick pick up and put down but for the most part he's a sound sleeper.  We are truly blessed.

This summer we were SUPER busy.  We traveled back to Iowa (and even Nebraska) every weekend in July. We spent loads of time with family and tried to take in summer as much as possible.  This weekend, we head back to Iowa for what looks like our last time for a while.  Landon and Harper are GREAT travelers.  They sleep or occupy themselves in the car - again, we are truly blessed because of this.

What I really want to address is this:
I was listening to KLove the other day and heard them talking about having a favorite kid and how, in the Bible, it mentions that we shouldn't have favorites as parents.  I couldn't help but sit there and reflect on this.  Reflect on the realization that truly, in my heart, there really isn't a favorite and I doubted parents all over the world for so long.   Call me a skeptic (because usually I am), but I was blown away at this. 

I never believed any parent when they said "I don't have a favorite" when talking about their multiple children.  I thought, surely, there was one kid that was just an inch above the rest and "secretly" was their favorite.  I can tell you, now, that they were right - sort of.  I do have a favorite at any given moment of any given day.  But, as a whole, I love them both so intensely that I cannot measure it - it is so intense that there is no line between the two.  Are there moments when Landon is fun and lovey and giggly and silly and I just love him SO MUCH?  Yes, in that moment (because maybe Harper is being sassy and difficult).  Are there moments after a nap when Harper is the most snugly little girl and understands to shake her head no and her smile lights up the room? Yes, and in that moment I FREAKING love her (and maybe because her brother is being a whiny Wilbur).  I felt a sense of guilt about this realization.  I didn't WANT to have a favorite and so I tried very hard not to show TOO much affection to one kid over the other.  This. Was. Exhausting.  And, to be honest, totally unrealistic. 

I don't care if you have twins or if you have triplets or if you have one kid and then 6 years later have another.  You don't have a favorite - overall.  But be realistic and forgiving of yourself.  Because you will have a favorite at any given moment of any given day.  Show them love and affection in any way that you want.  Over load them with hugs if, in that moment, you REALLY want to hug them (while the other one sits there throwing a temper tantrum).  We won't get these moments back and I don't think either of our kids should feel short-changed on love and affection because we are worried about what the other one thinks all the time.  Life isn't always equal and fair.  Don't even get me started on the mentality that "everyone gets a trophy"...that's another blog post for another day.

I'll leave you with some pictures of our summer!

A Letter To My Son

My Dearest Baby Boy Landon -
I so treasure the time we spend together.  The times without sis, where you seem to relax and "cuddle in" to me.  I know that you sense how precious these times are to me.  However, last night was absurd.  You and I (and your dad and your sister) know it. 

You woke at 10:30pm and I quickly gave you some medicine that you should have taken hours before.  You drifted back into sleep and I naively thought "ahhh, success".  You then forced me out of bed at 12:15am with wails of terror as if you were screaming "OMG - MY PACIFIER. WHERE IS IT!?!?"

I slithered into your room and replaced your plastic mute button hoping that was the only thing you needed. Instead, your sister was now awake (the joys of sharing a room).  I decided to use a trick that worked for months before.  I placed you both in the same crib and turned on some music.  Harper turned her little face right towards you (as you screamed at her) and closed her eyes.  Apparently, your screams were the only music she needed.

Things went on like this for an hour before I asked your dad for help.  You see...you were now calm in my arms and sister was wondering where her cribmate had gone.  I handed your sleeping, heavy body to your dad so he could continue to rock with you as I picked up Harper.  You had other plans.  You would have none of that.

You wailed.  In his arms, at his face, at that wall, at the ceiling.  You wailed as he calmly tried to explain that sleep is necessary to function and that we aren't trying to punish you by making you sleep, rather we are trying to help you.  You wailed as if some one was hurting you.  You wailed like we weren't cuddling you and warming you up and keeping that plastic piece of delightfulness in your mouth.  Your poor dad.  He's a patient human most hours of the day but no one is patient at 2am, son.  No. One.

I placed a calm-ish Harper back in her crib, music and mobile on and walked over to take over for your dad.  We tried the "same crib" technique again and you calmed down enough for Harper to reach her dainty little hand over, pat you on the head, stroke your face a little and....wait....she was covering your nose - was SHE TOO annoyed at your sounds and trying to suffocate you?!  Okay, it was adorable at first but now was the time to swaddle her one arm down and let you breathe.

The clock struck 3am and I was certain you weren't going to sleep.  So I changed and fed you as if to say "you won, you got me".  Content - you knock out cold.  Landon - 1.  Mommy/Daddy - 0. 

I hope you realize that your three hour cryfest last night was not worth it. You cried incredibly too long for a small feeding.  Learn from this.  The squeaky wheel may get the cheese - but is it really worth it for a slice of fat free generic single?  No - hold out till the morning for the good stuff. 

Sincerely,
Your I'mSurvivingOnCoffeeToday Mom

Choosing to Forget.

It's true what they say about the way that only you can love your baby(ies).  They are, without a doubt, the two things we look forward to most in the morning and in the evening.  We love their little noses, their rolls, their chunk, their different personalities.

4-5 months is the age we ALL think of when we think of having a baby.  Even our doctor said it.  We tend to skip over the first 3 months and move to the smiles, cooing, rolling, and laughing.  However, those first 3 months of parenthood and babyhood are rough.  They are filled with screams and cries where nothing seems to work.  They are defined by "up all night" and sleep deprivation.  There is the learning process of breastfeeding that can bring even the strongest women to their breaking point.  Those first 3 months there is not even a thought of having another baby because WHO WOULD BE SO STUPID?

But then 4 months hits and this blinder comes over you.  You start to think that this isn't so bad.  You could possibly do this again.  Right?  RIGHT?! Let us not forget what those first 3 months are like when looking at adorable pictures (see below - courtesy of Adam Sharp) or getting that coveted gigglefest from your little one.  I cannot predict the future and what it holds for our family...I just know that Ethan and I have given this scenario some serious thought recently as the days and nights get easier and we start to forget those earlier times.  So, here's to all those moms and dads that said "lets do this again"...you brave, brave souls.

She's got a way about her...

"...I don't know what it is
But I know that I can't live without her"

If you asked us what we had hoped for when we were pregnant, our answer was always 'one of each'.  This was and still is true.  We knew the benefits to having one of each and the trials.  We understood that having one of each was considered by some as "lucky" and what this might possibly mean for our future as parents. 

Inevitably, we would run into some people who would reply with something along the lines of "yeah, or two boys, you don't want two girls!" to which we always smiled and giggled.  We weren't sure we wanted two boys either - oy vey!  Throughout the pregnancy, I felt like anyone talking to Ethan overly hoped that he would have boys and not girls.  Maybe this was because boys stick together or they thought that he would be ultimately disappointed not to be able to pass along his football loving to some one, or would struggle to connect to a girl. 

Let me tell you something....

There is nothing...I MEAN NOTHING...more precious than watching Ethan's love for Harper.  His little princess.  His little girl.  His heart.  I think he was just as surprised as everyone at how much this little 5lb 7oz beauty stole every part of him and melts him with just a look.  Their relationship is deep and it has been from that very first day.  He's quick to change her, quick to hold her, quick to play with her and quick to love her.  She is not always an easy baby - she's got a bit of her mother's sass in her.  Her screams can shatter glass and her cranky times seem to last longer than necessary.  But she's also lovey.  She snuggles, and coos and those morning stretches - OMG THOSE MORNING STRETCHES will melt any ones heart. 

Instead of football to pass down, Ethan is passing along his love of reading (to be fair, he shares this love with both twins).  He is passing along his love of relaxing and playing and his love of giggling and being silly. And he is passing along his incredible hugging skills to her even though she doesn't know it yet.  I'm sure football will be discussed at a later date but right now, their relationship is so adorable that I cannot help but stare and stare when they are together. 

So yes, having a boy has been remarkable and Landon and Ethan have a great relationship as well.  They talk football, cuddle and play....but there is just something extra in his eyes when Harper catches him...

Nobody Said It Was Easy...

...No one ever said it would be this hard.  Thanks, Coldplay.  You nailed it. 

This motherhood thing is, without a doubt, the most challenging thing I have ever done.  Go to Grad School?  No problem.  Lose 50 pounds?  You got it.  Run 10 miles consistently? Sure thing.  Be a mother to twins?  Ummm.

It's not so much the sleepless nights and afternoons of crankiness (times two).  It's everything that no one talks about.  It's the fact that WHEN they cry, something inside of you aches.  Not just your heart aching, but a real physical pain that you feel through every nerve in your body.  Your baby cries and you ache.  Your friends' baby cries and you just laugh cuz it's annoying but does absolutely nothing to you. 

It's the urge to scream at and cuddle that baby at the same time.  Furious that you can't sooth them but so sorry for them because they are babies and don't know any better.  It's a constant back and forth between emotions on each extreme.

It's the schedule.  One feeding after another - and that's if we are lucky to be on the same schedule.  One baby finishes eating and you wish you were done too, but you have another one waiting in the wings (often looking at you like: "leftovers?  I get leftovers?").  What could be a half hour quickly turns into an hour or more.  I know, I know...there is a way to tandem nurse and I do that too...it doesn't shorten the time by much.

It's the messes.  Not only in their diapers but on your clothes, your couch, your chairs, your counters, your bathroom, your kitchen...everywhere.  Nothing is clean or seems clean no matter how much Clorox you use.  Don't get me wrong, the diaper messes are bad too.

It's the feeding.  For those of you who have chosen to breastfeed, I give you my deepest respect.  This is not for the weary.  This is hard.  It's time consuming.  It often feels like you are ruining your body.  It hurts like hell (and if it didn't hurt like hell for you for the first bit of your baby's life, I don't even want to talk to you).  I had one twin who "got it" right away and another who, at 7 weeks, went with me back to an LC to "get it".   It messes with your body image in a way that no one talks about.  It's also one of the most rewarding things I do.  But my, it hurts like hell sometimes. 

More than the noise and the time and the aching and the messes, it's the pressure.  The pressure to do it all and be it all.  I am their mom.  The one who feeds them.  The one who, because of our work schedules and laws, stayed home with them.  The one who gets up in the middle of the night because if it's food they want, dad can't really do that.  It's the pressure to provide the best life for them without knowing what their best life is going to be. 

Some days I (and mothers all over) handle this pressure with grace and other days we crumble (albeit silently) and hope that no one notices.  Through all of this pressure, I have had the good fortune to be surrounded by supportive people. My husband has been the most supportive and encouraging individual in my life these last 9 weeks.  He has watched me cry hysterically for no good reason, cry for very good reasons and muster up the strength and patience to get up ONE MORE TIME in the middle of the night just to place a pacifier back in their mouths.  My family and Ethan's family has never once made me feel less than amazing.  They are here both physically and mentally as I take on each day.  What has caught me off guard more than anything (and I should be ashamed at what little faith I have in people) is the outpouring of Mom Support from long lost friends, acquaintances and sometimes total strangers.  Their comments on facebook, blogs that they share and random text messages come through in times when nothing else seems to work.  It is a constant reminder that we are in this together.  We cannot be in the business of tearing each other down but build each other up. 

This shit is hard.  Real hard.  And no body told us it would be this hard...

Lucky number 13

Here we are.  It's been awhile since I last posted and so much has happened since then.  September was a blur looking back.  It was filled with travel for work, football reffing, and preparing everything we could for the twins.  October first provided some needed relief as I was officially done with travel and Ethan was nearing the end of his reffing this year.  Little did we know (or want to believe) that October was also going to be filled with contractions, uncomfortable-ness, and early morning trips to the hospital. 

We went to the hospital a total of 3 times, the third being the babies birthday.  The mornings were filled with anticipation, anxiety and confusion along with a lot of monitoring, blood work and some truly awesome nurses.  October 13th, I woke with some great big contractions.  This didn't bother me so much as I had actually been having contractions most of the day at this point.  What worried me most was the nausea and intense headache - something the nurses and doctors told me to be watchful of since my blood pressure was beginning to get a bit high.  I woke Ethan up and he was kind enough to believe me that this might really be it, but I could also tell that he was annoyed - another useless trip to the hospital just to be sent home? 

Everything on October 13th happened so fast and looking back I'm not certain that I remember 1/2 of it.  5:45am we checked into the unit.  Monitoring started and somewhere between 6am and 6:30am a nurse told us that we would likely move forward with delivery today.  I remember looking at Ethan and saying something along the lines of "holy shit" while he replied with "man, I was actually kind of mad at you when you woke me up this morning...".  Our doctor came in shortly after and couldn't confirm the position of the babies and we decided to move forward with a c-section.  I'll spare you details of this event - unless you really want to know and, you know me, I'm an open book :-)  

Enter Landon at 9:02am.  He was perfect looking and pretty quiet.  A handsome 5lb 3oz boy with a mild temper. Landon laid on the table and the nurses tried to get him to scream but he was perfectly content just looking around with a whimper or two but nothing more. 

Enter Harper at 9:03am.  She was loud and the doctors joked that she was peeing everywhere (indeed, Ethan said she was).  A gorgeous 5lb 7oz girl that looked nothing like her brother at the time.  She didn't act much like him either as she let her lungs fly!

 What a miracle.  A boy and a girl - something we thought would happen the whole pregnancy but never had confirmed.  It truly was the best surprise of life and I wouldn't have changed our choice to wait for anything.

They Said What?!

So there are a whole slew of things that people say when they find out you are pregnant.  Right?  From “Do you know what you are having?” to “Were you trying?”…the amount of ignorant and sometimes hurtful things that people say to pregnant women is astounding.  Sure, maybe they don’t understand that at 8 weeks you have no freaking idea what you are having other than an alien-look-a-like-baby inside of you.  And the “were you trying” question…really?  Is there a way to “not try” and still get pregnant?  (Let me clarify - "trying to have twins" is a bit different...there wasn't a whole lot we could control to have this outcome)

As we enter the 3^rd trimester (OMG HOW DID THIS HAPPEN SO FAST!?), I sit and reflect on the crazy things that I have heard and been asked so far.  This is not meant to be mean or condescending – I honestly believe that some people just “don’t know” or “mean well”…but sometimes there is no excuse for ignorance (historically we have cried ignorance to “not knowing better” and look where that has gotten us on a lot of issues…..).  Most of these come after telling someone we are expecting twins, which always seems to heighten the intensity and stupidity of a question.   I’ll try to give my honest reaction to them all - mind you, I'm already a sarcastic person...:-) 

1.       “Twins? OMG what are you going to do?”  - I don’t know.  Haven’t decided yet.  Maybe we will keep one, maybe we will give one away. Maybe we’ll just keep one in there forever and pretend it never happened.   We have time to decide right?  I mean.  What would YOU do?

2.       “Were they natural?” – Yup – totally human babies in here.  Wouldn’t that be cool if we had aliens or little panda babies or something sweet that no other human could do?!

3.       Follow-up usually to #2 – “No, I mean, did you have any help?” – Well, my husband was there…

4.       Final follow-up to #2 and #3 – “No, like, did you do IVF”.  OKAY – here’s the thing…that’s a super PERSONAL question for people.  We know that we are very fortunate to not have had to go through the emotional stresses and heartache of infertility.   It doesn’t matter if your baby was conceived using a penis and vagina the “good old fashioned way” or in a petrie dish or with some other intervention.  It’s a human child (2 of them, to be exact) and doesn’t matter how it happened.    And frankly, it’s none of your business unless you want to tell me all about your love making ability (or inability)…go ahead.  I dare you.  I swear I’ll ask the most personal questions out there…

5.       “You’re really small, are you sure there are two?” – Here’s the thing.  Early on in a twin pregnancy this really bothered me because there is this thing called Vanishing Twin Syndrome and it’s terrifying and it’s something I (and most twin moms???) freak out about.  It’s the fact that you have these two little lives inside of you that you are loving and nourishing and without you knowing or doing anything to cause it – one of them could just vanish and get re-absorbed.  That’s terrifying stuff.  So to hear (sometimes on a daily basis) that you are “small” can get a little overwhelming until you have hit a good mile marker in your pregnancy.  Likewise – just because we carry more than one baby doesn’t mean that we have to be huge elephants the whole 9 months.    

6.       “You’re going to be HUGE by the end” – Um…gee thanks.  Haven’t had that thought pass through my mind at all as I contemplate carrying TWO babies in a belly made for one.  Ps: I’m sure you were a picture perfect model pregnant woman who didn’t get big at all….all belly…uh huh….I’m sure you were…..

7.       “You’re going to need two of everything!” – Again…thanks Captain Obvious.  Clearly we won’t make them share one diaper but do I really need two of EVERYTHING?  Two gliders?  Two changing tables? OMG do I need to double my breasts to 4 just to accommodate?!?!

8.       “Oh my friend had twins and they were 9 and 10 pounds each”  - That sounds like a lot of baby cuz it IS A LOT OF BABY.  I don’t think anyone reading this is saying “man, I would love to carry almost 20 pounds of CHILD inside of me all while keeping up with my day to day activities”.  On the flip side, let’s all be aware that there are many people who have twins very early on (and heck, single babies early on) that would have LOVED to have their babies a little bigger, a little healthier, a little less pre-term.  I’m not sure if people tell these stories to scare us or to warn us or what…but there is always a flip side.  We just hope for two healthy beings…plus big babies sleep well so I’m sure your friend was just fine. 

9.       “You’re going to be nursing all the time if you breastfeed” – I don’t know the answer to this one.  This being our first shot at breastfeeding – I’m not sure what to expect.  What I really want to do after someone makes this comment is reach out and slap them.  This is not a productive or positive comment.  I’m sure you are the same person that would scold me for NOT breastfeeding….which brings me to my last remark…..

10.   “Are you going to breastfeed – it’s the best for baby” (insert condescending judgmental eyes staring at you) – I would love to be able to see into the future.  I do not know if my body will cooperate or if my kids will latch on.  I desperately hope that I am able to provide enough for them through these fun bags but, this might be a surprise to you, if I can’t breastfeed I’m sure that the world will keep turning and my kids will grow up healthy.  Yes, “breast is best” but there are many times when it doesn’t work out.   Things don’t always go as planned.   As most moms would attest, you do the best that you can for your baby with what you have – and only you know what’s best for YOUR baby.  No one else.

So there you have it – not every comment I’ve heard to date, but the majority of them.  I’m sure there will be more and I’m sure that once I have two mini-me’s to tote around it will be even more “hilarious”.  I’ll have to come back and update then.  For the most part, I have enjoyed talking openly with people about our experience and our emotions and our feelings.  It’s somewhat liberating to let others know that we aren’t always perfect (and dammit, we don’t have to be).