They Said What?!

So there are a whole slew of things that people say when they find out you are pregnant.  Right?  From “Do you know what you are having?” to “Were you trying?”…the amount of ignorant and sometimes hurtful things that people say to pregnant women is astounding.  Sure, maybe they don’t understand that at 8 weeks you have no freaking idea what you are having other than an alien-look-a-like-baby inside of you.  And the “were you trying” question…really?  Is there a way to “not try” and still get pregnant?  (Let me clarify - "trying to have twins" is a bit different...there wasn't a whole lot we could control to have this outcome)

As we enter the 3^rd trimester (OMG HOW DID THIS HAPPEN SO FAST!?), I sit and reflect on the crazy things that I have heard and been asked so far.  This is not meant to be mean or condescending – I honestly believe that some people just “don’t know” or “mean well”…but sometimes there is no excuse for ignorance (historically we have cried ignorance to “not knowing better” and look where that has gotten us on a lot of issues…..).  Most of these come after telling someone we are expecting twins, which always seems to heighten the intensity and stupidity of a question.   I’ll try to give my honest reaction to them all - mind you, I'm already a sarcastic person...:-) 

1.       “Twins? OMG what are you going to do?”  - I don’t know.  Haven’t decided yet.  Maybe we will keep one, maybe we will give one away. Maybe we’ll just keep one in there forever and pretend it never happened.   We have time to decide right?  I mean.  What would YOU do?

2.       “Were they natural?” – Yup – totally human babies in here.  Wouldn’t that be cool if we had aliens or little panda babies or something sweet that no other human could do?!

3.       Follow-up usually to #2 – “No, I mean, did you have any help?” – Well, my husband was there…

4.       Final follow-up to #2 and #3 – “No, like, did you do IVF”.  OKAY – here’s the thing…that’s a super PERSONAL question for people.  We know that we are very fortunate to not have had to go through the emotional stresses and heartache of infertility.   It doesn’t matter if your baby was conceived using a penis and vagina the “good old fashioned way” or in a petrie dish or with some other intervention.  It’s a human child (2 of them, to be exact) and doesn’t matter how it happened.    And frankly, it’s none of your business unless you want to tell me all about your love making ability (or inability)…go ahead.  I dare you.  I swear I’ll ask the most personal questions out there…

5.       “You’re really small, are you sure there are two?” – Here’s the thing.  Early on in a twin pregnancy this really bothered me because there is this thing called Vanishing Twin Syndrome and it’s terrifying and it’s something I (and most twin moms???) freak out about.  It’s the fact that you have these two little lives inside of you that you are loving and nourishing and without you knowing or doing anything to cause it – one of them could just vanish and get re-absorbed.  That’s terrifying stuff.  So to hear (sometimes on a daily basis) that you are “small” can get a little overwhelming until you have hit a good mile marker in your pregnancy.  Likewise – just because we carry more than one baby doesn’t mean that we have to be huge elephants the whole 9 months.    

6.       “You’re going to be HUGE by the end” – Um…gee thanks.  Haven’t had that thought pass through my mind at all as I contemplate carrying TWO babies in a belly made for one.  Ps: I’m sure you were a picture perfect model pregnant woman who didn’t get big at all….all belly…uh huh….I’m sure you were…..

7.       “You’re going to need two of everything!” – Again…thanks Captain Obvious.  Clearly we won’t make them share one diaper but do I really need two of EVERYTHING?  Two gliders?  Two changing tables? OMG do I need to double my breasts to 4 just to accommodate?!?!

8.       “Oh my friend had twins and they were 9 and 10 pounds each”  - That sounds like a lot of baby cuz it IS A LOT OF BABY.  I don’t think anyone reading this is saying “man, I would love to carry almost 20 pounds of CHILD inside of me all while keeping up with my day to day activities”.  On the flip side, let’s all be aware that there are many people who have twins very early on (and heck, single babies early on) that would have LOVED to have their babies a little bigger, a little healthier, a little less pre-term.  I’m not sure if people tell these stories to scare us or to warn us or what…but there is always a flip side.  We just hope for two healthy beings…plus big babies sleep well so I’m sure your friend was just fine. 

9.       “You’re going to be nursing all the time if you breastfeed” – I don’t know the answer to this one.  This being our first shot at breastfeeding – I’m not sure what to expect.  What I really want to do after someone makes this comment is reach out and slap them.  This is not a productive or positive comment.  I’m sure you are the same person that would scold me for NOT breastfeeding….which brings me to my last remark…..

10.   “Are you going to breastfeed – it’s the best for baby” (insert condescending judgmental eyes staring at you) – I would love to be able to see into the future.  I do not know if my body will cooperate or if my kids will latch on.  I desperately hope that I am able to provide enough for them through these fun bags but, this might be a surprise to you, if I can’t breastfeed I’m sure that the world will keep turning and my kids will grow up healthy.  Yes, “breast is best” but there are many times when it doesn’t work out.   Things don’t always go as planned.   As most moms would attest, you do the best that you can for your baby with what you have – and only you know what’s best for YOUR baby.  No one else.

So there you have it – not every comment I’ve heard to date, but the majority of them.  I’m sure there will be more and I’m sure that once I have two mini-me’s to tote around it will be even more “hilarious”.  I’ll have to come back and update then.  For the most part, I have enjoyed talking openly with people about our experience and our emotions and our feelings.  It’s somewhat liberating to let others know that we aren’t always perfect (and dammit, we don’t have to be).