Nobody Said It Was Easy...

...No one ever said it would be this hard.  Thanks, Coldplay.  You nailed it. 

This motherhood thing is, without a doubt, the most challenging thing I have ever done.  Go to Grad School?  No problem.  Lose 50 pounds?  You got it.  Run 10 miles consistently? Sure thing.  Be a mother to twins?  Ummm.

It's not so much the sleepless nights and afternoons of crankiness (times two).  It's everything that no one talks about.  It's the fact that WHEN they cry, something inside of you aches.  Not just your heart aching, but a real physical pain that you feel through every nerve in your body.  Your baby cries and you ache.  Your friends' baby cries and you just laugh cuz it's annoying but does absolutely nothing to you. 

It's the urge to scream at and cuddle that baby at the same time.  Furious that you can't sooth them but so sorry for them because they are babies and don't know any better.  It's a constant back and forth between emotions on each extreme.

It's the schedule.  One feeding after another - and that's if we are lucky to be on the same schedule.  One baby finishes eating and you wish you were done too, but you have another one waiting in the wings (often looking at you like: "leftovers?  I get leftovers?").  What could be a half hour quickly turns into an hour or more.  I know, I know...there is a way to tandem nurse and I do that too...it doesn't shorten the time by much.

It's the messes.  Not only in their diapers but on your clothes, your couch, your chairs, your counters, your bathroom, your kitchen...everywhere.  Nothing is clean or seems clean no matter how much Clorox you use.  Don't get me wrong, the diaper messes are bad too.

It's the feeding.  For those of you who have chosen to breastfeed, I give you my deepest respect.  This is not for the weary.  This is hard.  It's time consuming.  It often feels like you are ruining your body.  It hurts like hell (and if it didn't hurt like hell for you for the first bit of your baby's life, I don't even want to talk to you).  I had one twin who "got it" right away and another who, at 7 weeks, went with me back to an LC to "get it".   It messes with your body image in a way that no one talks about.  It's also one of the most rewarding things I do.  But my, it hurts like hell sometimes. 

More than the noise and the time and the aching and the messes, it's the pressure.  The pressure to do it all and be it all.  I am their mom.  The one who feeds them.  The one who, because of our work schedules and laws, stayed home with them.  The one who gets up in the middle of the night because if it's food they want, dad can't really do that.  It's the pressure to provide the best life for them without knowing what their best life is going to be. 

Some days I (and mothers all over) handle this pressure with grace and other days we crumble (albeit silently) and hope that no one notices.  Through all of this pressure, I have had the good fortune to be surrounded by supportive people. My husband has been the most supportive and encouraging individual in my life these last 9 weeks.  He has watched me cry hysterically for no good reason, cry for very good reasons and muster up the strength and patience to get up ONE MORE TIME in the middle of the night just to place a pacifier back in their mouths.  My family and Ethan's family has never once made me feel less than amazing.  They are here both physically and mentally as I take on each day.  What has caught me off guard more than anything (and I should be ashamed at what little faith I have in people) is the outpouring of Mom Support from long lost friends, acquaintances and sometimes total strangers.  Their comments on facebook, blogs that they share and random text messages come through in times when nothing else seems to work.  It is a constant reminder that we are in this together.  We cannot be in the business of tearing each other down but build each other up. 

This shit is hard.  Real hard.  And no body told us it would be this hard...

Lucky number 13

Here we are.  It's been awhile since I last posted and so much has happened since then.  September was a blur looking back.  It was filled with travel for work, football reffing, and preparing everything we could for the twins.  October first provided some needed relief as I was officially done with travel and Ethan was nearing the end of his reffing this year.  Little did we know (or want to believe) that October was also going to be filled with contractions, uncomfortable-ness, and early morning trips to the hospital. 

We went to the hospital a total of 3 times, the third being the babies birthday.  The mornings were filled with anticipation, anxiety and confusion along with a lot of monitoring, blood work and some truly awesome nurses.  October 13th, I woke with some great big contractions.  This didn't bother me so much as I had actually been having contractions most of the day at this point.  What worried me most was the nausea and intense headache - something the nurses and doctors told me to be watchful of since my blood pressure was beginning to get a bit high.  I woke Ethan up and he was kind enough to believe me that this might really be it, but I could also tell that he was annoyed - another useless trip to the hospital just to be sent home? 

Everything on October 13th happened so fast and looking back I'm not certain that I remember 1/2 of it.  5:45am we checked into the unit.  Monitoring started and somewhere between 6am and 6:30am a nurse told us that we would likely move forward with delivery today.  I remember looking at Ethan and saying something along the lines of "holy shit" while he replied with "man, I was actually kind of mad at you when you woke me up this morning...".  Our doctor came in shortly after and couldn't confirm the position of the babies and we decided to move forward with a c-section.  I'll spare you details of this event - unless you really want to know and, you know me, I'm an open book :-)  

Enter Landon at 9:02am.  He was perfect looking and pretty quiet.  A handsome 5lb 3oz boy with a mild temper. Landon laid on the table and the nurses tried to get him to scream but he was perfectly content just looking around with a whimper or two but nothing more. 

Enter Harper at 9:03am.  She was loud and the doctors joked that she was peeing everywhere (indeed, Ethan said she was).  A gorgeous 5lb 7oz girl that looked nothing like her brother at the time.  She didn't act much like him either as she let her lungs fly!

 What a miracle.  A boy and a girl - something we thought would happen the whole pregnancy but never had confirmed.  It truly was the best surprise of life and I wouldn't have changed our choice to wait for anything.

They Said What?!

So there are a whole slew of things that people say when they find out you are pregnant.  Right?  From “Do you know what you are having?” to “Were you trying?”…the amount of ignorant and sometimes hurtful things that people say to pregnant women is astounding.  Sure, maybe they don’t understand that at 8 weeks you have no freaking idea what you are having other than an alien-look-a-like-baby inside of you.  And the “were you trying” question…really?  Is there a way to “not try” and still get pregnant?  (Let me clarify - "trying to have twins" is a bit different...there wasn't a whole lot we could control to have this outcome)

As we enter the 3^rd trimester (OMG HOW DID THIS HAPPEN SO FAST!?), I sit and reflect on the crazy things that I have heard and been asked so far.  This is not meant to be mean or condescending – I honestly believe that some people just “don’t know” or “mean well”…but sometimes there is no excuse for ignorance (historically we have cried ignorance to “not knowing better” and look where that has gotten us on a lot of issues…..).  Most of these come after telling someone we are expecting twins, which always seems to heighten the intensity and stupidity of a question.   I’ll try to give my honest reaction to them all - mind you, I'm already a sarcastic person...:-) 

1.       “Twins? OMG what are you going to do?”  - I don’t know.  Haven’t decided yet.  Maybe we will keep one, maybe we will give one away. Maybe we’ll just keep one in there forever and pretend it never happened.   We have time to decide right?  I mean.  What would YOU do?

2.       “Were they natural?” – Yup – totally human babies in here.  Wouldn’t that be cool if we had aliens or little panda babies or something sweet that no other human could do?!

3.       Follow-up usually to #2 – “No, I mean, did you have any help?” – Well, my husband was there…

4.       Final follow-up to #2 and #3 – “No, like, did you do IVF”.  OKAY – here’s the thing…that’s a super PERSONAL question for people.  We know that we are very fortunate to not have had to go through the emotional stresses and heartache of infertility.   It doesn’t matter if your baby was conceived using a penis and vagina the “good old fashioned way” or in a petrie dish or with some other intervention.  It’s a human child (2 of them, to be exact) and doesn’t matter how it happened.    And frankly, it’s none of your business unless you want to tell me all about your love making ability (or inability)…go ahead.  I dare you.  I swear I’ll ask the most personal questions out there…

5.       “You’re really small, are you sure there are two?” – Here’s the thing.  Early on in a twin pregnancy this really bothered me because there is this thing called Vanishing Twin Syndrome and it’s terrifying and it’s something I (and most twin moms???) freak out about.  It’s the fact that you have these two little lives inside of you that you are loving and nourishing and without you knowing or doing anything to cause it – one of them could just vanish and get re-absorbed.  That’s terrifying stuff.  So to hear (sometimes on a daily basis) that you are “small” can get a little overwhelming until you have hit a good mile marker in your pregnancy.  Likewise – just because we carry more than one baby doesn’t mean that we have to be huge elephants the whole 9 months.    

6.       “You’re going to be HUGE by the end” – Um…gee thanks.  Haven’t had that thought pass through my mind at all as I contemplate carrying TWO babies in a belly made for one.  Ps: I’m sure you were a picture perfect model pregnant woman who didn’t get big at all….all belly…uh huh….I’m sure you were…..

7.       “You’re going to need two of everything!” – Again…thanks Captain Obvious.  Clearly we won’t make them share one diaper but do I really need two of EVERYTHING?  Two gliders?  Two changing tables? OMG do I need to double my breasts to 4 just to accommodate?!?!

8.       “Oh my friend had twins and they were 9 and 10 pounds each”  - That sounds like a lot of baby cuz it IS A LOT OF BABY.  I don’t think anyone reading this is saying “man, I would love to carry almost 20 pounds of CHILD inside of me all while keeping up with my day to day activities”.  On the flip side, let’s all be aware that there are many people who have twins very early on (and heck, single babies early on) that would have LOVED to have their babies a little bigger, a little healthier, a little less pre-term.  I’m not sure if people tell these stories to scare us or to warn us or what…but there is always a flip side.  We just hope for two healthy beings…plus big babies sleep well so I’m sure your friend was just fine. 

9.       “You’re going to be nursing all the time if you breastfeed” – I don’t know the answer to this one.  This being our first shot at breastfeeding – I’m not sure what to expect.  What I really want to do after someone makes this comment is reach out and slap them.  This is not a productive or positive comment.  I’m sure you are the same person that would scold me for NOT breastfeeding….which brings me to my last remark…..

10.   “Are you going to breastfeed – it’s the best for baby” (insert condescending judgmental eyes staring at you) – I would love to be able to see into the future.  I do not know if my body will cooperate or if my kids will latch on.  I desperately hope that I am able to provide enough for them through these fun bags but, this might be a surprise to you, if I can’t breastfeed I’m sure that the world will keep turning and my kids will grow up healthy.  Yes, “breast is best” but there are many times when it doesn’t work out.   Things don’t always go as planned.   As most moms would attest, you do the best that you can for your baby with what you have – and only you know what’s best for YOUR baby.  No one else.

So there you have it – not every comment I’ve heard to date, but the majority of them.  I’m sure there will be more and I’m sure that once I have two mini-me’s to tote around it will be even more “hilarious”.  I’ll have to come back and update then.  For the most part, I have enjoyed talking openly with people about our experience and our emotions and our feelings.  It’s somewhat liberating to let others know that we aren’t always perfect (and dammit, we don’t have to be).     

We Love You Too (Two?)!

Can it really be only 12 (or less) weeks until our babies are here?!  It's still so hard to wrap our heads around the fact that there will soon be two little ones taking over our every move.  We are so excited to meet them!!

Summer has flown by and it's hard to believe that we are already into August.  We were able to spend some quality time with family in July going to the Dells for a long weekend with my immediate family and then a nice weekend home for Bix where we were able to reconnect with some of Ethan's family (immediate and extended).  As we gear up for a busy August, an even busier September and an unpredictable October, we are reminded that our family and friends are showering us with love and support.  I was blessed to be back on Augustana's campus this week meeting new co-workers and saying goodbye to ones that are moving on with their life adventure.  There was even a sweet little shower for me at Crust Pizza where Twix bars were turned into TWIN bars and two monkeys were in a peapod.  Just adorable.  We cannot thank you all enough.

I had an ultrasound this morning and both babies are looking great!  Both measure in at 1 lb. 9 oz and are about 24 1/2 weeks along (even though I'm about 25 1/2).  Heartbeats are still strong and doctors have no complaints about how this is all going.  Feeling so blessed and grateful for a wonderful pregnancy so far!

I'll leave you with a cute photo captured this morning at our ultrasound.  Baby B signing "I love you" - probably trying to send Ethan a message since he wasn't able to be there this morning.  ;-)  Don't worry Muenchkins, we love you too!

20 Week Ultrasound Update

We finally got to see our babies on Tuesday.  It's just BANANAS to think that there are really two living beings in there.  They were perfect (what parent doesn't say that?!) and everything checked out normally.  We were informed that the twins are, in fact, fraternal which only solidifies our inclinations (or hopes?) that we are having one boy and one girl.  However, we closed our eyes when the goods had to be examined and we are still in the dark as to what we are actually having!  We are just overwhelmed with love right now and so grateful to have this experience. 

The babies are positioned so that Baby A is head down, right on my bladder - I could have told them that!  Baby B is breech and tends to lie on my right side or under my belly button a bit more.  Both move around a lot and are kicking each other in the head most the day.  Sibling rivalry already?  We actually got to watch them do this at one point in our ultrasound...so crazy. 

Baby A - Holding up a #1 right after the Blackhawks Stanley Cup win.  What a kid!

Weighing in at 10oz.

 

 



Baby B - moving a lot so this was the best shot we could get. 

Weighing in at 11oz.

 

 

Okay - this is adorable (we think!).  Baby B with it's legs straight out (feet on the right).  The baby was like this for a good 5 min.  As our nephew, Noah, would say "Look at that cute tooshie!"

 

 



 



"Ohhhh, we're half way there! Ohhhhhh! Living on a prayer!"

It feels like just yesterday we were letting people know that we were pregnant.  It feels slightly less long ago that we had to re-tell them that it was twins.  The anticipation, anxiety, fear, excitement, joyousness, and support over these last couple months has been truly amazing.  We cannot thank our family and friends enough for their generosity in gifts and time.  Often, it was an ear to talk to that meant the most.

We have slowly started to put our babies room together.  They will be taking over the guest room and, while it will be a tight fit, they will have it all to themselves.  Sharing things will be second nature to them with most everything else! :-) 

We are halfway there now!  We won't go any longer than 38 weeks which will bring us right to November 1st - PERFECT! ;-)  I have been feeling them randomly move around.  So incredible.  Still too light for Ethan to feel from the outside but I expect that to change any week now.  We get to "see" them on Tuesday at the high risk ultrasound and it would be an understatement to say that we are excited.  We haven't had an ultrasound since week 8 and it's getting harder to wait!  No, we won't be finding out the sex of the babies.  They have been total surprises so far, so we will just let them have this last joke on us at the delivery.  Boys or Girls or one of each, doesn't matter to us.  We love them so much already!

19 weeks!  Half way there!

 

 



Only God Can Make 1+1=4

Sometimes in life, you can prepare as well as you like.  You can budget, you can set aside resources, you can research as much as humanly possible.  But sometimes in life, you are at your first ultrasound appointment so excited to see the little human growing inside of you only to find out........there are two.  Yes, TWO!  No one taught me how to prepare for that!

April 8th - Almost 9 weeks along

There they are.  The newest Muenchkins.  Plural.  Heartbeats and all.  Who knew?  I think Ethan and I told our ultrasound technician to "shut up" several times and repeatatively asked her "what?!?!".  We also sat in silence...gripping each others hand so tight that by the end there were nail marks and white knuckles.  Twins don't run in our families - and Ethan comes from a HUGE family of single babies.  Single baby after single baby.  No twins for as far as the eye can see.  So what do you do when you get thrown a curve ball, no screwball, no "OH MY GOD IT'S GOING TO HIT ME" ball?  We laughed.  Hysterically laughed.  We walked out of the doctors office and in the elevator (which everyone can see through the open glass) we hugged each other and we laughed.  We walked to the car, sat down and laughed.  We looked at each other and said "well, that's what we get for always joking that we should just have twins and be done with it", and then we laughed some more.  Once we were done laughing (or...at least enough to take a breath), we called our parents.  You know what they did?  They laughed....and screamed...and we THINK they may have teared up but it's hard to tell over the phone when everything is chaotic. 

Most importantly, our parents were EXCITED!  An emotion I'm not sure Ethan and I felt since before the ultrasound.  Terrified - YES.  Overwhelmed - OF COURSE.  Shocked - YOU KNOW IT.  Excited - ummmm...........yes?   Were we?  Were we already making our first parental mistake by NOT being overly excited and joyous that this happened?  I'm not sure, and I'm not sure that we really cared if it was a "mistake" or perfectly freaking normal to feel this way.  (We went with the latter - because it IS normal and totally healthy to feel that way).  Of course, we called our siblings next and they were drinking the kool aid that our parents were drinking.  Slowly but surely this was becoming more and more real.  

So, then the planning (again) began.  Two of everything - cribs, car seats, high chairs, pack and plays, bouncy seats...and...daycare (oh my goodness don't get me started on college....).  I think I gave myself a mini panic attack each time I tried to wrap my head around all of this.  All I could see were dollar signs...dollar signs that we don't have.  Thankfully, our parents were constantly re-assuring.  Their words of encouragement and willingness to help along the way have been truly amazing and greatly appreciated.  I think we would have crumbled without our family's support.  It came at a time when we all needed it.

After over a year of getting rid of that thing...it's coming back.  Week 12.

 



Here we are now, over 13 weeks along and feeling great.  Other than being exhausted from growing two little beings, I have had a fairly easy pregnancy.  I'm getting some energy back and wanting to work out again which is a welcome feeling.  Our heads (and hearts) are finally wrapped around these two babies and we know we are going to be just fine.  We have been scouring garage sales and learning that people are way more generous than they need to be.   Life has continued to throw us a"OH MY GOD IT'S GOING TO HIT ME" ball in the form of rain the other week.  We actually lost one of our cars (my little Focus) in the flood in our parking lot.  Thank goodness for great car insurance because this turned into a blessing.  Can you imagine fitting two car seats into a Ford Focus?  Yeah...exactly.  With the money from insurance for the totaled car, we were able to purchase a new, bigger car (Ford Escape SUV) to be fully prepared for our babies.   So much has not gone as planned these last couple months, but they have all turned out VERY okay.  We know God wouldn't, and WON'T give us more than we can handle and we are so grateful for the good people He has placed around us for support.

Our little turkeys will be here in November if mommy has her way (official due date Nov. 13)!  We are 1/3 of the way there! To all you other moms,  moms-to-be, and moms-to-be-again out there (there sure are a lot of us!) I hope you enjoyed Mothers Day.  What an amazing feeling.