Little feet...Big dreams

As Harper has started walking I have started thinking.  I think of all the places those now little feet will take her.  I dream of all the miles they will do, the defeat they will have to bring her back up on and the amount of times they will be completely swept out from under her. She, at times, walks so timidly with short quick steps.  First testing her area and seeing if it's truly what she wants.  Other times she is more adventurous and giddy with her steps. She rushes and quickly realizes that it's a bit too soon for running on hard wood. But my favorite is when she "skates".  Floating across the floor in an attempt to be quicker than her granny walk but not as fast as Lolo Jones. When she skates she smiles endlessly and giggles at every imbalance or slip. A dare devil at heart but a true realist like her mom.  I pray that these tiny feet carry her through life in the same way they are now.  A little excitement, a little adventure and grounded in humble expectations. 

An Unsolicited Letter to my Pre-mom Self

So you're pregnant.  Wow. It's really happening.  There is a little being in you and, while it is still hard to comprehend, you know you love it.  Before that tiny bundle rocks your world and changes everything, I want to let you know a billion (okay not really) things.

1. Throw out the fitness magazines and celebrity magazines. They will only make you feel unbeautiful at a time when, I assure you, you are your most beautiful. "Get back to pre-pregnancy weight in 4 weeks!" (Impossible because you are human)  "I breastfed and the weight just melted off" (Bullshit. Just. Bullshit) Those headlines and stories are part of (in) advertant mom-bashing. They are also talking about women who have the ability to hire nannies, nutritionists and a thousand other things. You are human and normal.  But most of all you are beautiful, to your husband, to your family and to your new baby. 

2. What works for your baby, works. There are tons of books with advice and old ladies ready to tell you how they did it but you know what?  They didn't have YOUR baby. Sometimes crunching on cereal at 2am is just what your baby needs to fall back asleep.  Other times even a pin drop will set them into an uncontrollable cry.  You worry about your baby and your sanity and leave the rest alone. 

3. Get out of the house. It's good for you and it's great for your baby! Even if you haven't showered (for days), even if you have nothing to get, even if it is cold out. Take that kid to Target, walk around a bit and likely buy things you didn't know you needed (purple toaster that also butters your bread!?!? Sold!) 

4. Babies cry but your baby's cry will be excruciating. It will pain you and make you ache. Not figuratively but quite literally. That's about all I can say to prepare you for it. 

5. You're doing a great job. You have done a great job while pregnant and that won't just change overnight. Even when you are in the middle of a store and your baby is crying and hungry and others start to stare, you are doing a great job.  Even if you rock and rock and rock with your baby and they won't go to sleep, you are doing a great job.  Even if you lose contact with most of your friends because your new best friend arrived, you are doing a great job.  It won't always feel like it. But you are. 

6. Breathe.  When you are overwhelmed. Breathe. When you are annoyed at all the opinions. Breathe. When your husband does something to bother you. Breathe.   This is all a learning process for you, your husband and the baby (and in laws and parents and everyone).  You are in uncharted territory and it takes time.  Rely on God.  And breathe. 

And always, always remember that this too shall pass.  Some days will be easy, some will be hard, some times you will want to give up and other times you will wonder why everyone complains.  Being a mother, wife and YOU all at the same time is hard.  But you are doing it.  And there are "others" out there ready to help in any way possible. 

Summer Recap and Other Thoughts

I've got to admit, it's getting better.  It's getting better all the time. 

People said it.  We didn't believe them.  They kept saying it.  We kept denying it.  But, alas, it's really true.  It DOES get better. 

Landon and Harper are now 10.5 months old.  They laugh at jokes and not just a shadow on the wall anymore.  They smile when we walk in the room and not only because they farted.  They reach for us, kiss us, hug us and search for snuggles.  Best of all....they put their own pacifiers back in their mouths EVEN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT (most of the time).  All of this is the pay off for the first 6 months, when babyhood is not the most enjoyable moments for mommy and daddy. 

We are getting more sleep.  The 5am wake up calls are tough some mornings but it's hard to complain when they go to bed like a dream at 7pm.  Harper has now figured out stomach sleeping and I think she's real happy with it.  Landon usually doesn't fuss for much overnight - maybe a pacifier or a quick pick up and put down but for the most part he's a sound sleeper.  We are truly blessed.

This summer we were SUPER busy.  We traveled back to Iowa (and even Nebraska) every weekend in July. We spent loads of time with family and tried to take in summer as much as possible.  This weekend, we head back to Iowa for what looks like our last time for a while.  Landon and Harper are GREAT travelers.  They sleep or occupy themselves in the car - again, we are truly blessed because of this.

What I really want to address is this:
I was listening to KLove the other day and heard them talking about having a favorite kid and how, in the Bible, it mentions that we shouldn't have favorites as parents.  I couldn't help but sit there and reflect on this.  Reflect on the realization that truly, in my heart, there really isn't a favorite and I doubted parents all over the world for so long.   Call me a skeptic (because usually I am), but I was blown away at this. 

I never believed any parent when they said "I don't have a favorite" when talking about their multiple children.  I thought, surely, there was one kid that was just an inch above the rest and "secretly" was their favorite.  I can tell you, now, that they were right - sort of.  I do have a favorite at any given moment of any given day.  But, as a whole, I love them both so intensely that I cannot measure it - it is so intense that there is no line between the two.  Are there moments when Landon is fun and lovey and giggly and silly and I just love him SO MUCH?  Yes, in that moment (because maybe Harper is being sassy and difficult).  Are there moments after a nap when Harper is the most snugly little girl and understands to shake her head no and her smile lights up the room? Yes, and in that moment I FREAKING love her (and maybe because her brother is being a whiny Wilbur).  I felt a sense of guilt about this realization.  I didn't WANT to have a favorite and so I tried very hard not to show TOO much affection to one kid over the other.  This. Was. Exhausting.  And, to be honest, totally unrealistic. 

I don't care if you have twins or if you have triplets or if you have one kid and then 6 years later have another.  You don't have a favorite - overall.  But be realistic and forgiving of yourself.  Because you will have a favorite at any given moment of any given day.  Show them love and affection in any way that you want.  Over load them with hugs if, in that moment, you REALLY want to hug them (while the other one sits there throwing a temper tantrum).  We won't get these moments back and I don't think either of our kids should feel short-changed on love and affection because we are worried about what the other one thinks all the time.  Life isn't always equal and fair.  Don't even get me started on the mentality that "everyone gets a trophy"...that's another blog post for another day.

I'll leave you with some pictures of our summer!

A Letter To My Son

My Dearest Baby Boy Landon -
I so treasure the time we spend together.  The times without sis, where you seem to relax and "cuddle in" to me.  I know that you sense how precious these times are to me.  However, last night was absurd.  You and I (and your dad and your sister) know it. 

You woke at 10:30pm and I quickly gave you some medicine that you should have taken hours before.  You drifted back into sleep and I naively thought "ahhh, success".  You then forced me out of bed at 12:15am with wails of terror as if you were screaming "OMG - MY PACIFIER. WHERE IS IT!?!?"

I slithered into your room and replaced your plastic mute button hoping that was the only thing you needed. Instead, your sister was now awake (the joys of sharing a room).  I decided to use a trick that worked for months before.  I placed you both in the same crib and turned on some music.  Harper turned her little face right towards you (as you screamed at her) and closed her eyes.  Apparently, your screams were the only music she needed.

Things went on like this for an hour before I asked your dad for help.  You see...you were now calm in my arms and sister was wondering where her cribmate had gone.  I handed your sleeping, heavy body to your dad so he could continue to rock with you as I picked up Harper.  You had other plans.  You would have none of that.

You wailed.  In his arms, at his face, at that wall, at the ceiling.  You wailed as he calmly tried to explain that sleep is necessary to function and that we aren't trying to punish you by making you sleep, rather we are trying to help you.  You wailed as if some one was hurting you.  You wailed like we weren't cuddling you and warming you up and keeping that plastic piece of delightfulness in your mouth.  Your poor dad.  He's a patient human most hours of the day but no one is patient at 2am, son.  No. One.

I placed a calm-ish Harper back in her crib, music and mobile on and walked over to take over for your dad.  We tried the "same crib" technique again and you calmed down enough for Harper to reach her dainty little hand over, pat you on the head, stroke your face a little and....wait....she was covering your nose - was SHE TOO annoyed at your sounds and trying to suffocate you?!  Okay, it was adorable at first but now was the time to swaddle her one arm down and let you breathe.

The clock struck 3am and I was certain you weren't going to sleep.  So I changed and fed you as if to say "you won, you got me".  Content - you knock out cold.  Landon - 1.  Mommy/Daddy - 0. 

I hope you realize that your three hour cryfest last night was not worth it. You cried incredibly too long for a small feeding.  Learn from this.  The squeaky wheel may get the cheese - but is it really worth it for a slice of fat free generic single?  No - hold out till the morning for the good stuff. 

Sincerely,
Your I'mSurvivingOnCoffeeToday Mom

Choosing to Forget.

It's true what they say about the way that only you can love your baby(ies).  They are, without a doubt, the two things we look forward to most in the morning and in the evening.  We love their little noses, their rolls, their chunk, their different personalities.

4-5 months is the age we ALL think of when we think of having a baby.  Even our doctor said it.  We tend to skip over the first 3 months and move to the smiles, cooing, rolling, and laughing.  However, those first 3 months of parenthood and babyhood are rough.  They are filled with screams and cries where nothing seems to work.  They are defined by "up all night" and sleep deprivation.  There is the learning process of breastfeeding that can bring even the strongest women to their breaking point.  Those first 3 months there is not even a thought of having another baby because WHO WOULD BE SO STUPID?

But then 4 months hits and this blinder comes over you.  You start to think that this isn't so bad.  You could possibly do this again.  Right?  RIGHT?! Let us not forget what those first 3 months are like when looking at adorable pictures (see below - courtesy of Adam Sharp) or getting that coveted gigglefest from your little one.  I cannot predict the future and what it holds for our family...I just know that Ethan and I have given this scenario some serious thought recently as the days and nights get easier and we start to forget those earlier times.  So, here's to all those moms and dads that said "lets do this again"...you brave, brave souls.

She's got a way about her...

"...I don't know what it is
But I know that I can't live without her"

If you asked us what we had hoped for when we were pregnant, our answer was always 'one of each'.  This was and still is true.  We knew the benefits to having one of each and the trials.  We understood that having one of each was considered by some as "lucky" and what this might possibly mean for our future as parents. 

Inevitably, we would run into some people who would reply with something along the lines of "yeah, or two boys, you don't want two girls!" to which we always smiled and giggled.  We weren't sure we wanted two boys either - oy vey!  Throughout the pregnancy, I felt like anyone talking to Ethan overly hoped that he would have boys and not girls.  Maybe this was because boys stick together or they thought that he would be ultimately disappointed not to be able to pass along his football loving to some one, or would struggle to connect to a girl. 

Let me tell you something....

There is nothing...I MEAN NOTHING...more precious than watching Ethan's love for Harper.  His little princess.  His little girl.  His heart.  I think he was just as surprised as everyone at how much this little 5lb 7oz beauty stole every part of him and melts him with just a look.  Their relationship is deep and it has been from that very first day.  He's quick to change her, quick to hold her, quick to play with her and quick to love her.  She is not always an easy baby - she's got a bit of her mother's sass in her.  Her screams can shatter glass and her cranky times seem to last longer than necessary.  But she's also lovey.  She snuggles, and coos and those morning stretches - OMG THOSE MORNING STRETCHES will melt any ones heart. 

Instead of football to pass down, Ethan is passing along his love of reading (to be fair, he shares this love with both twins).  He is passing along his love of relaxing and playing and his love of giggling and being silly. And he is passing along his incredible hugging skills to her even though she doesn't know it yet.  I'm sure football will be discussed at a later date but right now, their relationship is so adorable that I cannot help but stare and stare when they are together. 

So yes, having a boy has been remarkable and Landon and Ethan have a great relationship as well.  They talk football, cuddle and play....but there is just something extra in his eyes when Harper catches him...