Definitions

Harper: aka Peanut, Harps, baby sis, sass, love bug.  Full of life and a solid vocabulary. Quick to pick up on new phrases and jokes. Opinionated and strong willed but sweet and ready to make amends. Our real life sour patch kid at times.  Admired for your free spirit.  Often acts like the older child and not afraid of a time out (or 2). Affectionate and silly all in one. You know what you want, when you want it. Driven and passionate. Usually the first one up in the morning and never upset at the rising sun. You dance around with caution as if you know the ground below you isn't always stable. Wise beyond even your understanding. Never ready to go to sleep but always tired enough. You make us giggle and yell all in one breath. Your eyes and smile light up our hearts and life just wouldn't be as memorable without you. 

Landon: aka Bubba, bubbster, landozer, mister, handsome. The goofiest kid we know. The compassionate one and such a lovie.  You are the first to give up a toy to avoid an argument or bring a toy to stop someone's tears. A true boy with a "I want to fix it" attitude. Your heart is bigger (and wiser) than your years. Our  solid boy who doesn't realize his strength both physically and mentally. You can melt us with your big blues and drown us in your whines.  Always ready for a nap because you put 100% into everything you do.  We can always count on you to lighten the mood and love your dance moves.  You remind us to just be in the moment and love whole heartedly. 

Patience

My sweet babes -

Next week you turn 2.  I'm still not sure how that happened or where the time went. I look back at pictures of you and I remember it so vividly and murky all in one. Did I ever get to snuggle your 5 pound little bodies?  I hardly remember it if I did.  Constantly worried about the next feeding or nap or item on my agenda...but then again I remember every detail. How I was so worried about Landon because he was so tiny (something we chuckle about now because he looks like he doesn't miss a meal).  I clearly remember Harper "singing" to us from early on and knowing from the moment she was born that she would have her mothers' sass. 

Whether I remember every detail or "milestone" or not, I know for certain that over the last 2 years you both have taught me more about patience than I ever thought possible. Patience in those 2am feedings that I wanted to end so badly but now would welcome just to hold you.  Patience in the way you first scooted up and down the stairs, taking forever and prolonging every event.  Patience in breakfast, lunch and dinner. I am certain that Harper can drag out a meal all day if we let her. Patience to teach and show rather than command and yell. It is a constant lesson you bestow upon me. 

"Slow down, Mom. Enjoy the moment.  Have patience in me and see how I do".  

Okay, babes.  I will. I'll be patient as you choose your shoes for the day or what truck to bring to daycare.  I'll be patient as your little feet pitter patter down the sidewalk and we are late for our appointments. I'll be patient as you wiggle and squirm too tired to sit still but not tired enough to fall asleep.  

I'll be patient. 

Because I didn't know it at the time, but I really did wait my whole life for you and couldn't imagine it any other way.  So turn 2, go ahead.  I can't stop that, but I can be extra patient this week in hopes of savoring every lasting moment of this year.  

From the "Mom Side"...

I'm coming off of 3 days of inspiration, motivation and confirmation at the annual IACAC conference.  I remember quite clearly my first conference 2 years ago.  I was still very green in the Admissions field (some/most days I STILL feel this way!) and had just found out I was pregnant with twins.  The conference felt like a blur.  It was my first introduction to so many influential people who's names are now familiar.  Flash forward through a pregnant fall travel season, 2 kids and maternity leave and I found myself at my 2nd conference last year.  I so looked forward to really diving into some of the sessions and learning more.  During the morning on the 2nd day, I received a message that Landon had a fever and I had to pick him up from daycare - cue double ear infection and a mom who had to stay home and miss the rest of the conference.

This year I was determined to make it through without distractions and totally focused on meeting new people, gaining knowledge and getting re-invigorated for the job that I love (though during this crazy busy, often depressing time doesn't feel like it).  I had taken Anne Kremer's words from her President's speech very literally last year and volunteered to work the Registration on the 1st day - I had said YES.  I said YES to networking and being in the moment, to advancing my relationships with my colleagues and learning about new opportunities.  So, as you can imagine, I was less than thrilled when Harper woke up at 9:30pm with screams so piercing that I'm still trying to figure out how Landon didn't wake up.  It took over 30 minutes to calm her down and by this point I had panicked.  Ethan was traveling and I was SURE she needed immediate medical attention.  I texted my aunt who lives the closest and had her come over "just in case".  By the time my aunt arrived, Harper had calmed enough and greeted her with a smile.  Kids often make liars out of us, don't they?

In the back of my head, I kept saying "NOT DURING CONFERENCE WEEK" but also felt guilt for not feeling the sense of urgency or desire to take care of a sick kid.  I wanted it all and wrestled with the fact that I could not do just that.  Fitting, I thought, as I was looking over the schedule for the next day.  "From the Mom side of the desk" was the morning session I was planning to go to.  You see, over the last 2 years, I have met incredible women who are in College Admissions making it work for them.  The early mornings, long days, late nights, weekends, events, interviews, meetings, ect.  They were doing it.  And here I was, LONGING to not have the responsibility of kids so that I could "do it all".  But what if we change our notion of "having it all"?  What if WE (as mothers) define our path and our abilities rather than comparing ourselves to childless women?  We are different.  We think differently, act differently and prioritize differently.  I was not a bad worker because I had to take my kids to the doctor (for the second year in a row).  I was not a bad employee because I missed the lunch and afternoon sessions that day but returned for networking at dinner and seeing one of my mommy mentors win a well-deserved award.  I was not a bad admissions representative because I said "not right now" to work and "snuggle in" to my kids.  Priorities shift and work becomes "different" than what we were so used to.  The solidarity I felt through that "Mom Side" session this week reminded me that what I am doing is strong work.  It matters.  I matter.  And, there are other women who also feel this pressure to "do it all" as they used to.  Just like regional admissions representatives often work "differently" than their office based counterparts, I would contend that moms work "differently" (though, just as hard) as their childless counterparts.  Something to remember as both mommyhood and careers become more demanding of our time, energy, patience and focus. 

Quick updates - January

It amazes me that Harper and Landon hear the same words every day, yet they know and say very different words.  We read the same books and talk the same way to the both of them.  Twins are awesome like that.  Little people, born on the same day from the same mom yet vastly different personalities and experiences with each. 

Harper: No, stop, moo, *horse noise*, mama, dada, hi, wow, whoa, cool
Landon: Yah, more, hi, bye, mama, dada, wow

Both are incredibly perceptive and understand much more than they can say.  Landon is a bulldozer during play but such a sweetheart and a caring boy.  The other night when I was getting Harper ready for bed, he grabbed the comb, crawled over to her head and starting "combing" her hair.  This morning, she was fussing when I was changing her and he brought her 2 Cheerios and tried to give them to her (you know, in case she needed them).   Harper is a free spirit.  She will walk and pace and just talk up a storm to whoever will listen.  She recently figured out how to really hug (something I think her dad taught her - he's a GREAT hug giver).  She has an infectious smile too.  A very teethy and wide open smile that just warms your heart.

We just had their 15 month check up and all is well.  Landon comes in at over 27 pounds of pure boy.  Dense is the best way to describe him.  Just a solid mass of a little kid.  Harper weighs in at 22 and a half pounds and is much stronger than she appears.  The doctor was impressed and happy with their growth and development - a true blessing as we find ourselves constantly questioning if we are doing the right thing, teaching them enough or giving them enough experiences. 

This weekend we head home for my work, next weekend we head to Des Moines for "Muenchmas".  All of this is happening while we ANXIOUSLY await the arrival of our new nephew or niece.  Erin and Chase are hanging in there and baby G is keeping warm with mom.  They are already great parents and it has been so fun watching them over the last 9 months or so.  We cannot wait for them to join the ranks of parenthood and feel everything we have over the last 15 months with Landon and Harper.  It's something so so special and we know how blessed they are about to be. 

Little feet...Big dreams

As Harper has started walking I have started thinking.  I think of all the places those now little feet will take her.  I dream of all the miles they will do, the defeat they will have to bring her back up on and the amount of times they will be completely swept out from under her. She, at times, walks so timidly with short quick steps.  First testing her area and seeing if it's truly what she wants.  Other times she is more adventurous and giddy with her steps. She rushes and quickly realizes that it's a bit too soon for running on hard wood. But my favorite is when she "skates".  Floating across the floor in an attempt to be quicker than her granny walk but not as fast as Lolo Jones. When she skates she smiles endlessly and giggles at every imbalance or slip. A dare devil at heart but a true realist like her mom.  I pray that these tiny feet carry her through life in the same way they are now.  A little excitement, a little adventure and grounded in humble expectations. 

An Unsolicited Letter to my Pre-mom Self

So you're pregnant.  Wow. It's really happening.  There is a little being in you and, while it is still hard to comprehend, you know you love it.  Before that tiny bundle rocks your world and changes everything, I want to let you know a billion (okay not really) things.

1. Throw out the fitness magazines and celebrity magazines. They will only make you feel unbeautiful at a time when, I assure you, you are your most beautiful. "Get back to pre-pregnancy weight in 4 weeks!" (Impossible because you are human)  "I breastfed and the weight just melted off" (Bullshit. Just. Bullshit) Those headlines and stories are part of (in) advertant mom-bashing. They are also talking about women who have the ability to hire nannies, nutritionists and a thousand other things. You are human and normal.  But most of all you are beautiful, to your husband, to your family and to your new baby. 

2. What works for your baby, works. There are tons of books with advice and old ladies ready to tell you how they did it but you know what?  They didn't have YOUR baby. Sometimes crunching on cereal at 2am is just what your baby needs to fall back asleep.  Other times even a pin drop will set them into an uncontrollable cry.  You worry about your baby and your sanity and leave the rest alone. 

3. Get out of the house. It's good for you and it's great for your baby! Even if you haven't showered (for days), even if you have nothing to get, even if it is cold out. Take that kid to Target, walk around a bit and likely buy things you didn't know you needed (purple toaster that also butters your bread!?!? Sold!) 

4. Babies cry but your baby's cry will be excruciating. It will pain you and make you ache. Not figuratively but quite literally. That's about all I can say to prepare you for it. 

5. You're doing a great job. You have done a great job while pregnant and that won't just change overnight. Even when you are in the middle of a store and your baby is crying and hungry and others start to stare, you are doing a great job.  Even if you rock and rock and rock with your baby and they won't go to sleep, you are doing a great job.  Even if you lose contact with most of your friends because your new best friend arrived, you are doing a great job.  It won't always feel like it. But you are. 

6. Breathe.  When you are overwhelmed. Breathe. When you are annoyed at all the opinions. Breathe. When your husband does something to bother you. Breathe.   This is all a learning process for you, your husband and the baby (and in laws and parents and everyone).  You are in uncharted territory and it takes time.  Rely on God.  And breathe. 

And always, always remember that this too shall pass.  Some days will be easy, some will be hard, some times you will want to give up and other times you will wonder why everyone complains.  Being a mother, wife and YOU all at the same time is hard.  But you are doing it.  And there are "others" out there ready to help in any way possible. 

Summer Recap and Other Thoughts

I've got to admit, it's getting better.  It's getting better all the time. 

People said it.  We didn't believe them.  They kept saying it.  We kept denying it.  But, alas, it's really true.  It DOES get better. 

Landon and Harper are now 10.5 months old.  They laugh at jokes and not just a shadow on the wall anymore.  They smile when we walk in the room and not only because they farted.  They reach for us, kiss us, hug us and search for snuggles.  Best of all....they put their own pacifiers back in their mouths EVEN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT (most of the time).  All of this is the pay off for the first 6 months, when babyhood is not the most enjoyable moments for mommy and daddy. 

We are getting more sleep.  The 5am wake up calls are tough some mornings but it's hard to complain when they go to bed like a dream at 7pm.  Harper has now figured out stomach sleeping and I think she's real happy with it.  Landon usually doesn't fuss for much overnight - maybe a pacifier or a quick pick up and put down but for the most part he's a sound sleeper.  We are truly blessed.

This summer we were SUPER busy.  We traveled back to Iowa (and even Nebraska) every weekend in July. We spent loads of time with family and tried to take in summer as much as possible.  This weekend, we head back to Iowa for what looks like our last time for a while.  Landon and Harper are GREAT travelers.  They sleep or occupy themselves in the car - again, we are truly blessed because of this.

What I really want to address is this:
I was listening to KLove the other day and heard them talking about having a favorite kid and how, in the Bible, it mentions that we shouldn't have favorites as parents.  I couldn't help but sit there and reflect on this.  Reflect on the realization that truly, in my heart, there really isn't a favorite and I doubted parents all over the world for so long.   Call me a skeptic (because usually I am), but I was blown away at this. 

I never believed any parent when they said "I don't have a favorite" when talking about their multiple children.  I thought, surely, there was one kid that was just an inch above the rest and "secretly" was their favorite.  I can tell you, now, that they were right - sort of.  I do have a favorite at any given moment of any given day.  But, as a whole, I love them both so intensely that I cannot measure it - it is so intense that there is no line between the two.  Are there moments when Landon is fun and lovey and giggly and silly and I just love him SO MUCH?  Yes, in that moment (because maybe Harper is being sassy and difficult).  Are there moments after a nap when Harper is the most snugly little girl and understands to shake her head no and her smile lights up the room? Yes, and in that moment I FREAKING love her (and maybe because her brother is being a whiny Wilbur).  I felt a sense of guilt about this realization.  I didn't WANT to have a favorite and so I tried very hard not to show TOO much affection to one kid over the other.  This. Was. Exhausting.  And, to be honest, totally unrealistic. 

I don't care if you have twins or if you have triplets or if you have one kid and then 6 years later have another.  You don't have a favorite - overall.  But be realistic and forgiving of yourself.  Because you will have a favorite at any given moment of any given day.  Show them love and affection in any way that you want.  Over load them with hugs if, in that moment, you REALLY want to hug them (while the other one sits there throwing a temper tantrum).  We won't get these moments back and I don't think either of our kids should feel short-changed on love and affection because we are worried about what the other one thinks all the time.  Life isn't always equal and fair.  Don't even get me started on the mentality that "everyone gets a trophy"...that's another blog post for another day.

I'll leave you with some pictures of our summer!