So there are a whole slew of things that people say when they
find out you are pregnant. Right? From “Do you know what you are having?” to “Were
you trying?”…the amount of ignorant and sometimes hurtful things that people say
to pregnant women is astounding. Sure,
maybe they don’t understand that at 8 weeks you have no freaking idea what you
are having other than an alien-look-a-like-baby inside of you. And the “were you trying” question…really? Is there a way to “not try” and still get
pregnant? (Let me clarify - "trying to have twins" is a bit different...there wasn't a whole lot we could control to have this outcome)
As we enter the 3rd trimester (OMG HOW DID THIS
HAPPEN SO FAST!?), I sit and reflect on the crazy things that I have heard and
been asked so far. This is not meant to
be mean or condescending – I honestly believe that some people just “don’t know”
or “mean well”…but sometimes there is no excuse for ignorance (historically we
have cried ignorance to “not knowing better” and look where that has gotten us
on a lot of issues…..). Most of these
come after telling someone we are expecting twins, which always seems to
heighten the intensity and stupidity of a question. I’ll
try to give my honest reaction to them all - mind you, I'm already a sarcastic person...:-)
1.
“Twins? OMG what are you going to do?” - I don’t know. Haven’t decided yet. Maybe we will keep one, maybe we will give
one away. Maybe we’ll just keep one in there forever and pretend it never
happened. We have time to decide
right? I mean. What would YOU do?
2.
“Were they natural?” – Yup – totally human
babies in here. Wouldn’t that be cool if
we had aliens or little panda babies or something sweet that no other human
could do?!
3.
Follow-up usually to #2 – “No, I mean, did you
have any help?” – Well, my husband was there…
4.
Final follow-up to #2 and #3 – “No, like, did
you do IVF”. OKAY – here’s the thing…that’s
a super PERSONAL question for people. We
know that we are very fortunate to not have had to go through the emotional
stresses and heartache of infertility.
It doesn’t matter if your baby was conceived using a penis and vagina
the “good old fashioned way” or in a petrie dish or with some other
intervention. It’s a human child (2 of
them, to be exact) and doesn’t matter how it happened. And frankly, it’s none of your business
unless you want to tell me all about your love making ability (or inability)…go
ahead. I dare you. I swear I’ll ask the most personal questions
out there…
5.
“You’re really small, are you sure there are
two?” – Here’s the thing. Early on in a
twin pregnancy this really bothered me because there is this thing called Vanishing Twin Syndrome and it’s
terrifying and it’s something I (and most twin moms???) freak out about. It’s the fact that you have these two little
lives inside of you that you are loving and nourishing and without you knowing
or doing anything to cause it – one of them could just vanish and get
re-absorbed. That’s terrifying
stuff. So to hear (sometimes on a daily
basis) that you are “small” can get a little overwhelming until you have hit a
good mile marker in your pregnancy.
Likewise – just because we carry more than one baby doesn’t mean that we
have to be huge elephants the whole 9 months.
6.
“You’re going to be HUGE by the end” – Um…gee
thanks. Haven’t had that thought pass
through my mind at all as I contemplate carrying TWO babies in a belly made for
one. Ps: I’m sure you were a picture
perfect model pregnant woman who didn’t get big at all….all belly…uh huh….I’m
sure you were…..
7.
“You’re going to need two of everything!” –
Again…thanks Captain Obvious. Clearly we
won’t make them share one diaper but do I really need two of EVERYTHING? Two gliders?
Two changing tables? OMG do I need to double my breasts to 4 just to accommodate?!?!
8.
“Oh my friend had twins and they were 9 and 10
pounds each” - That sounds like a lot of
baby cuz it IS A LOT OF BABY. I don’t
think anyone reading this is saying “man, I would love to carry almost 20
pounds of CHILD inside of me all while keeping up with my day to day activities”. On the flip side, let’s all be aware that
there are many people who have twins very early on (and heck, single babies
early on) that would have LOVED to have their babies a little bigger, a little
healthier, a little less pre-term. I’m
not sure if people tell these stories to scare us or to warn us or what…but
there is always a flip side. We just
hope for two healthy beings…plus big babies sleep well so I’m sure your friend
was just fine.
9.
“You’re going to be nursing all the time if you
breastfeed” – I don’t know the answer to this one. This being our first shot at breastfeeding –
I’m not sure what to expect. What I
really want to do after someone makes this comment is reach out and slap
them. This is not a productive or
positive comment. I’m sure you are the
same person that would scold me for NOT breastfeeding….which brings me to my
last remark…..
10.
“Are you going to breastfeed – it’s the best for
baby” (insert condescending judgmental eyes staring at you) – I would love to
be able to see into the future. I do not
know if my body will cooperate or if my kids will latch on. I desperately hope that I am able to provide
enough for them through these fun bags but, this might be a surprise to you, if
I can’t breastfeed I’m sure that the world will keep turning and my kids will
grow up healthy. Yes, “breast is best”
but there are many times when it doesn’t work out. Things don’t always go as planned. As most moms would attest, you do the best
that you can for your baby with what you have – and only you know what’s best
for YOUR baby. No one else.
So there you have it – not every comment I’ve heard to date,
but the majority of them. I’m sure there
will be more and I’m sure that once I have two mini-me’s to tote around it will
be even more “hilarious”. I’ll have to
come back and update then. For the most
part, I have enjoyed talking openly with people about our experience and our
emotions and our feelings. It’s somewhat
liberating to let others know that we aren’t always perfect (and dammit, we don’t
have to be).
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