Just as quickly as the leaves are going to be changing, our lives haven't stopped changing yet.
Back in June, I wrote about the craziness of our move and jobs and life in general. When I wrote that post, I expected that to be the finale. Boy was I wrong.
Remember that husband of mine who is a hustler and go-getter and won't stop at anything? Well, he accepted a position in August back with Wellcare (remember that company that moved us to Iowa? Yah, them) and started working with the same manager that he has the utmost respect for. The catch? The position is located in Omaha, Nebraska.
So, early on Monday mornings Ethan wakes up and helps to get the kids downstairs. Then, he leaves. For 5 whole days. We knew going into this that he would be gone a lot and we accepted that. I knew I could manage and take care of the kids without problems (hell, we did this same thing back when the twins were MORE dependent on me and LESS mobile and we survived!)
But let me tell you about the 2 weeks from hell. Straight hell.
It was a Friday and I had called Ethan on my way to pick up the kids from daycare. He had just finished his first week on the job and I was curious what time he would get on the road home. Then he dropped a BOMB on me. The manager that he adores and respects had decided to take a position with another company. Another company back in Des Moines that just happened to be the same company he had JUST LEFT. He was so calm telling me this, a true sign that his respect for the work, relationship and situation was more important than any hurt feelings at this time. I have to give him a lot of credit for calming me down and helping me understand. Without that, I'm sure he would have rather stayed in Omaha for the weekend...
Fast forward to the following Thursday. It's 3pm and my manager comes over to my team and tells us to follow her to a meeting room. We knew. We all knew. This is not one of those "let's have a team meeting" or "let's talk about process flow" meetings. This, sure enough, was a "your department is being dissolved due to an error in our contracting with the state" meeting. Fortunately, we all were told that they had secured other jobs in other departments for us and that we would be transitioning over soon.
So, I have Ethan's news lingering for a week. Now my work news and less than ideal situation.
Let's throw on top of that a call at 4pm from Daycare that same day saying that Landon is complaining of his belly hurting. I quickly told them that he probably has to go to the bathroom and that I'll be there as soon as I can. I walk into their room at daycare and he's in the bathroom. He threw up 5 min before I got there...
Awesome.
Thinking it was only food poisoning or a bad batch of peaches, we asked Ethan's sister and our niece over to play on Saturday. About 10:30am Harper came over, sat on my lap, mentioned she wasn't feeling good and proceeded to barf on me. I thank God there were people there to help. Otherwise, I might have just joined in on the "fun".
For the next 4 days, Harper ran a fever and didn't eat much. Finally on Thursday, (this is the end of the 2 week hell...I swear) I took her to the doctor with Landon in tow. They wanted to do a urinalysis to make sure she wasn't battling a UTI or Kidney Stones. I kid you not, I tried for 2 hours in the doctor's office to get Harper to go to the bathroom. A 5x5 room with a toilet, automatic hand towels and a low enough sink for Landon to reach the faucet became my war room. Between convincing Harper to JUST GO ALREADY and scolding Landon to get out of this and stop touching that, I about lost it. I think at one point, Harper was starting to fake cry and I almost blurted out "SHUT THE F*%# UP!" I can only imagine what the nurses were thinking as they walked by...at one point we had 6 balloons blown up, PJ Masks playing on my phone and one bag of Belvita Bites split between them.
We left the doctors office unsuccessful and with a goodie bag of potty items to try at home. I got a text 30 minutes after I dropped them off at daycare that she had just gone potty....useless as I forgot to give them the goodie bag...
That night I was determined to get this done. My mom suggested cleaning out her little potty really well with hot water, drying it and just having her go in there. So I did just that.
As she was sitting on the little potty before bed, I heard that sound. That "I think I'm gonna poop" grunt from her. And then, I swear to you, she took the most massive dump in that very clean little potty. For the remarkable ending that I could not come up with on my own even if I tried, she turned to me and said "Mom, aren't you so proud of me for going poo poo on the potty?!"
I am. I was. I swear.
I also wanted to cry and give up and throw something. My emotions were running so high. Work, more work, sick kids, stubborn kids, and now THIS?! Parenting is HARD. Keeping it together so your 2 year olds don't feel your stress and anxiety is HARD. Getting Harper to pee on the potty so the doctor can figure out what is wrong....IMPOSSIBLE.
If you are wondering, it finally happened. We got the results that nothing was wrong with her (something every mom hopes to hear but also wishes that there WAS something to explain the fever and sickness). We haven't had any more episodes of unexpected work situations or sick kids in about 2 weeks.
Maybe THIS is our turning point...but I know better...
Friday, September 16, 2016
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
That's a Heavy Burden to Carry...
This election has been particularly hard for me. Never
before have I had to consider the molding of two young human beings. I
haven’t had to consider what their next 4 years (or 8) both in and out of
school might look like, how their classroom might be affected and how their
worldview might be shaped by a president of our country. I haven’t
had to think about how to explain to them that they are growing up in a
{politically} divided house but that there are more common ground issues than
there aren’t. That two words, Democrat and Republican, carry with them
the constant connotation that one is better than the other.
But here we are. And. I. Am. Terrified.
This is a much bigger burden to carry than I ever
anticipated, especially in a time when both mainstream candidates can be
polarizing. But what I do know is that I want our kids to grow up in a
country where tolerance is talked about as a way of inclusion rather than
exclusion. Where my baby boy and baby girl can go to school and have
access to resources rather than worry about their curriculum or if the school
will maintain funding to give them the tools to excel academically. I
want both our children to experience friendships that are not underlined by
racial fears presented by a leader of this country, but racial differences that
are embraced because we live in America – the great melting pot of culture,
race and ethnicity. Most of all, I want them to know that love is a
feeling. Not a platform. That they can love their friends
regardless of what others might be saying. That, when the time
comes, they can fall in love with whomever their heart beats for and that not
only will their friends and family understand, but strangers who they may have
interactions with will be understanding as well, because they have had a leader
to base their reactions and world-views by. My greatest fear is that
instead of becoming a culture, society and country that fosters growth,
development, inclusion and respect, we are slipping into a vortex of fear and
hatred. That what we do not understand or cannot place into a “box” is
therefore wrong or evil.
And thinking about this and how it will affect our innocent
and precious kids makes me sad. Because as a parent, we can only do so
much. We can only model the type of behavior we wish our kids to
absorb. We are not immune to our kids hearing and seeing and living
through a time where hatred may win and social media may become their only
source of information. So how do we make the “right” choice?
How do we look at our next 4 years and know that they will be in Kindergarten
by the time this opportunity comes around again to make it “right”? When
they start learning about presidents and laws and the Preamble, will it be
under toned with anger that in 2016 we had a drastic change in the way our
country was looked at and talked about? It’s all bubbles and chalk on a
hot day now. But soon, their world will be filled with history
lessons. How do we write that history in a way that they can be proud of
us as parents?
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
What we have been up to since October
October. I feel like that's the last time I was able to breathe. A real, deep, "I got this" breath. Since then, life, man. Life.
In November, Ethan received an offer to move to Iowa and work for another Health care company as they started up Managed Care of the Medicaid program and population. Excitement overcame us as we had talked well before even having kids that we would want to someday move back to Iowa to raise our family. This was really going to happen. With a solid job offer and a stellar relocation package, we started house hunting in the Des Moines area immediately.
I remember waking up over Thanksgiving weekend and reading a headline in the QCTimes. It was about Ethan's new company and their legal struggles with the Iowa contract. We prayed feverishly that Iowa was still in our plans, that we were meant to move and that this was still best for our family. We continued to search for a house, I interviewed and landed a job as well and we coasted into December while preparing our townhouse in Villa Park to be put on the market.
In December, we found a house, put an offer in and had it accepted, and lost the house due to the seller not complying with the disclosure and repairs. Ethan started his position in Iowa on December 14th, in the middle of my panic about where we were going to live now and Christmas fast approaching. Again, we prayed - feverishly. For two weeks, Ethan worked in Iowa Monday through Friday while I worked in Chicago and had the kids. We would meet in Davenport on the weekends.
Just before Christmas, we put an offer in on another house and couldn't imagine another location that was more perfect for our family. Christmas day/weekend was a whirlwind. While trying to make it as normal as possible for the kids, we were hit with another blow about Ethan's work. The appeal for Ethan's work was not granted and now a court case ensued. Again - we prayed that this was in our plans. We talked about not moving, about me staying in Chicago with the kids as long as possible until this all played out. But in our hearts, we knew Iowa was the place and that we would make it work no matter what. I drove back to Chicago after Christmas, leaving the kids with my parents and finishing out my final week of work there.
The New Year brought on a new job for me in Des Moines. We are so thankful for Ethan's sister and brother-in-law, Erin and Chase, for allowing us to crash in their house for 3 weeks while we worked and waited on the closing of our dream home. The kids stayed in Davenport and got to spend some quality time with both sets of grandparents during the week. As hard as this was on us, we also really appreciate the willingness of our parents to step in and help out when we needed it the most.
On January 21st we closed on our house in Urbandale, IA. A dream house. One that I knew we could grow with and live a life we had hoped for. Jobs were steady and the kids joined us for the first time that weekend.
(New house!)
So, things slowed down after that....right?
Wrong.
Between new jobs, new daycare and unpacking - I don't really remember anything until mid February. That was when the court decision pertaining to Ethan's job was final and all employees were given a 30 day notice. Awesome. Luckily, I married a hustler and go-getter. One who doesn't sit on the sidelines and watch life pass by. Ethan had already secured another job (with the company I am working for - I guess we just like working together!) and was scheduled to start at the end of February. I admire Ethan for this because the new job in Iowa is not his dream job. It is not on the same level as the one we moved here for but it pays the bills and he still gains a ton of experience. It's not an easy task to give all of yourself for a job you only feel luke-warm about. The silver lining for this time period - we sold our town home in Villa Park. No double mortgage and no worrying about when or how we would unload that place.
So how did it become June already? We don't know. Easter was a blur again, Mothers day the same. I think Memorial Day weekend was the first time we were able to sit around and ENJOY the house and all it has to offer. We hosted my family and cousins and aunt that weekend and our house was filled with joy, food and laughter for 3 full days. Our hearts were bursting through this weekend. Slow days and good company. Just what we needed.
As we enter the dog days of summer, we find ourselves sitting back as the kids play in the yard. We couldn't help but think "THIS is what we have been waiting for". Waiting for them to be "old" enough to play on their own, waiting for a YARD to enjoy, waiting for neighbors who talked to us and had kids as well, waiting for parenting to feel a little less like a chore and more like "we got this" and waiting for Iowa...in all it's slowed down, fresh produce, room to grow glory.
We made it. It's all a blur (much like having twins)....but we made it.
In November, Ethan received an offer to move to Iowa and work for another Health care company as they started up Managed Care of the Medicaid program and population. Excitement overcame us as we had talked well before even having kids that we would want to someday move back to Iowa to raise our family. This was really going to happen. With a solid job offer and a stellar relocation package, we started house hunting in the Des Moines area immediately.
I remember waking up over Thanksgiving weekend and reading a headline in the QCTimes. It was about Ethan's new company and their legal struggles with the Iowa contract. We prayed feverishly that Iowa was still in our plans, that we were meant to move and that this was still best for our family. We continued to search for a house, I interviewed and landed a job as well and we coasted into December while preparing our townhouse in Villa Park to be put on the market.
In December, we found a house, put an offer in and had it accepted, and lost the house due to the seller not complying with the disclosure and repairs. Ethan started his position in Iowa on December 14th, in the middle of my panic about where we were going to live now and Christmas fast approaching. Again, we prayed - feverishly. For two weeks, Ethan worked in Iowa Monday through Friday while I worked in Chicago and had the kids. We would meet in Davenport on the weekends.
Just before Christmas, we put an offer in on another house and couldn't imagine another location that was more perfect for our family. Christmas day/weekend was a whirlwind. While trying to make it as normal as possible for the kids, we were hit with another blow about Ethan's work. The appeal for Ethan's work was not granted and now a court case ensued. Again - we prayed that this was in our plans. We talked about not moving, about me staying in Chicago with the kids as long as possible until this all played out. But in our hearts, we knew Iowa was the place and that we would make it work no matter what. I drove back to Chicago after Christmas, leaving the kids with my parents and finishing out my final week of work there.
The New Year brought on a new job for me in Des Moines. We are so thankful for Ethan's sister and brother-in-law, Erin and Chase, for allowing us to crash in their house for 3 weeks while we worked and waited on the closing of our dream home. The kids stayed in Davenport and got to spend some quality time with both sets of grandparents during the week. As hard as this was on us, we also really appreciate the willingness of our parents to step in and help out when we needed it the most.
On January 21st we closed on our house in Urbandale, IA. A dream house. One that I knew we could grow with and live a life we had hoped for. Jobs were steady and the kids joined us for the first time that weekend.
(New house!)
So, things slowed down after that....right?
Wrong.
Between new jobs, new daycare and unpacking - I don't really remember anything until mid February. That was when the court decision pertaining to Ethan's job was final and all employees were given a 30 day notice. Awesome. Luckily, I married a hustler and go-getter. One who doesn't sit on the sidelines and watch life pass by. Ethan had already secured another job (with the company I am working for - I guess we just like working together!) and was scheduled to start at the end of February. I admire Ethan for this because the new job in Iowa is not his dream job. It is not on the same level as the one we moved here for but it pays the bills and he still gains a ton of experience. It's not an easy task to give all of yourself for a job you only feel luke-warm about. The silver lining for this time period - we sold our town home in Villa Park. No double mortgage and no worrying about when or how we would unload that place.
So how did it become June already? We don't know. Easter was a blur again, Mothers day the same. I think Memorial Day weekend was the first time we were able to sit around and ENJOY the house and all it has to offer. We hosted my family and cousins and aunt that weekend and our house was filled with joy, food and laughter for 3 full days. Our hearts were bursting through this weekend. Slow days and good company. Just what we needed.
As we enter the dog days of summer, we find ourselves sitting back as the kids play in the yard. We couldn't help but think "THIS is what we have been waiting for". Waiting for them to be "old" enough to play on their own, waiting for a YARD to enjoy, waiting for neighbors who talked to us and had kids as well, waiting for parenting to feel a little less like a chore and more like "we got this" and waiting for Iowa...in all it's slowed down, fresh produce, room to grow glory.
We made it. It's all a blur (much like having twins)....but we made it.
Monday, October 12, 2015
Definitions
Harper: aka Peanut, Harps, baby sis, sass, love bug. Full of life and a solid vocabulary. Quick to pick up on new phrases and jokes. Opinionated and strong willed but sweet and ready to make amends. Our real life sour patch kid at times. Admired for your free spirit. Often acts like the older child and not afraid of a time out (or 2). Affectionate and silly all in one. You know what you want, when you want it. Driven and passionate. Usually the first one up in the morning and never upset at the rising sun. You dance around with caution as if you know the ground below you isn't always stable. Wise beyond even your understanding. Never ready to go to sleep but always tired enough. You make us giggle and yell all in one breath. Your eyes and smile light up our hearts and life just wouldn't be as memorable without you.
Landon: aka Bubba, bubbster, landozer, mister, handsome. The goofiest kid we know. The compassionate one and such a lovie. You are the first to give up a toy to avoid an argument or bring a toy to stop someone's tears. A true boy with a "I want to fix it" attitude. Your heart is bigger (and wiser) than your years. Our solid boy who doesn't realize his strength both physically and mentally. You can melt us with your big blues and drown us in your whines. Always ready for a nap because you put 100% into everything you do. We can always count on you to lighten the mood and love your dance moves. You remind us to just be in the moment and love whole heartedly.
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
Patience
My sweet babes -
Next week you turn 2. I'm still not sure how that happened or where the time went. I look back at pictures of you and I remember it so vividly and murky all in one. Did I ever get to snuggle your 5 pound little bodies? I hardly remember it if I did. Constantly worried about the next feeding or nap or item on my agenda...but then again I remember every detail. How I was so worried about Landon because he was so tiny (something we chuckle about now because he looks like he doesn't miss a meal). I clearly remember Harper "singing" to us from early on and knowing from the moment she was born that she would have her mothers' sass.
Whether I remember every detail or "milestone" or not, I know for certain that over the last 2 years you both have taught me more about patience than I ever thought possible. Patience in those 2am feedings that I wanted to end so badly but now would welcome just to hold you. Patience in the way you first scooted up and down the stairs, taking forever and prolonging every event. Patience in breakfast, lunch and dinner. I am certain that Harper can drag out a meal all day if we let her. Patience to teach and show rather than command and yell. It is a constant lesson you bestow upon me.
"Slow down, Mom. Enjoy the moment. Have patience in me and see how I do".
Okay, babes. I will. I'll be patient as you choose your shoes for the day or what truck to bring to daycare. I'll be patient as your little feet pitter patter down the sidewalk and we are late for our appointments. I'll be patient as you wiggle and squirm too tired to sit still but not tired enough to fall asleep.
I'll be patient.
Because I didn't know it at the time, but I really did wait my whole life for you and couldn't imagine it any other way. So turn 2, go ahead. I can't stop that, but I can be extra patient this week in hopes of savoring every lasting moment of this year.
Friday, May 1, 2015
From the "Mom Side"...
I'm coming off of 3 days of inspiration, motivation and confirmation at the annual IACAC conference. I remember quite clearly my first conference 2 years ago. I was still very green in the Admissions field (some/most days I STILL feel this way!) and had just found out I was pregnant with twins. The conference felt like a blur. It was my first introduction to so many influential people who's names are now familiar. Flash forward through a pregnant fall travel season, 2 kids and maternity leave and I found myself at my 2nd conference last year. I so looked forward to really diving into some of the sessions and learning more. During the morning on the 2nd day, I received a message that Landon had a fever and I had to pick him up from daycare - cue double ear infection and a mom who had to stay home and miss the rest of the conference.
This year I was determined to make it through without distractions and totally focused on meeting new people, gaining knowledge and getting re-invigorated for the job that I love (though during this crazy busy, often depressing time doesn't feel like it). I had taken Anne Kremer's words from her President's speech very literally last year and volunteered to work the Registration on the 1st day - I had said YES. I said YES to networking and being in the moment, to advancing my relationships with my colleagues and learning about new opportunities. So, as you can imagine, I was less than thrilled when Harper woke up at 9:30pm with screams so piercing that I'm still trying to figure out how Landon didn't wake up. It took over 30 minutes to calm her down and by this point I had panicked. Ethan was traveling and I was SURE she needed immediate medical attention. I texted my aunt who lives the closest and had her come over "just in case". By the time my aunt arrived, Harper had calmed enough and greeted her with a smile. Kids often make liars out of us, don't they?
In the back of my head, I kept saying "NOT DURING CONFERENCE WEEK" but also felt guilt for not feeling the sense of urgency or desire to take care of a sick kid. I wanted it all and wrestled with the fact that I could not do just that. Fitting, I thought, as I was looking over the schedule for the next day. "From the Mom side of the desk" was the morning session I was planning to go to. You see, over the last 2 years, I have met incredible women who are in College Admissions making it work for them. The early mornings, long days, late nights, weekends, events, interviews, meetings, ect. They were doing it. And here I was, LONGING to not have the responsibility of kids so that I could "do it all". But what if we change our notion of "having it all"? What if WE (as mothers) define our path and our abilities rather than comparing ourselves to childless women? We are different. We think differently, act differently and prioritize differently. I was not a bad worker because I had to take my kids to the doctor (for the second year in a row). I was not a bad employee because I missed the lunch and afternoon sessions that day but returned for networking at dinner and seeing one of my mommy mentors win a well-deserved award. I was not a bad admissions representative because I said "not right now" to work and "snuggle in" to my kids. Priorities shift and work becomes "different" than what we were so used to. The solidarity I felt through that "Mom Side" session this week reminded me that what I am doing is strong work. It matters. I matter. And, there are other women who also feel this pressure to "do it all" as they used to. Just like regional admissions representatives often work "differently" than their office based counterparts, I would contend that moms work "differently" (though, just as hard) as their childless counterparts. Something to remember as both mommyhood and careers become more demanding of our time, energy, patience and focus.
This year I was determined to make it through without distractions and totally focused on meeting new people, gaining knowledge and getting re-invigorated for the job that I love (though during this crazy busy, often depressing time doesn't feel like it). I had taken Anne Kremer's words from her President's speech very literally last year and volunteered to work the Registration on the 1st day - I had said YES. I said YES to networking and being in the moment, to advancing my relationships with my colleagues and learning about new opportunities. So, as you can imagine, I was less than thrilled when Harper woke up at 9:30pm with screams so piercing that I'm still trying to figure out how Landon didn't wake up. It took over 30 minutes to calm her down and by this point I had panicked. Ethan was traveling and I was SURE she needed immediate medical attention. I texted my aunt who lives the closest and had her come over "just in case". By the time my aunt arrived, Harper had calmed enough and greeted her with a smile. Kids often make liars out of us, don't they?
In the back of my head, I kept saying "NOT DURING CONFERENCE WEEK" but also felt guilt for not feeling the sense of urgency or desire to take care of a sick kid. I wanted it all and wrestled with the fact that I could not do just that. Fitting, I thought, as I was looking over the schedule for the next day. "From the Mom side of the desk" was the morning session I was planning to go to. You see, over the last 2 years, I have met incredible women who are in College Admissions making it work for them. The early mornings, long days, late nights, weekends, events, interviews, meetings, ect. They were doing it. And here I was, LONGING to not have the responsibility of kids so that I could "do it all". But what if we change our notion of "having it all"? What if WE (as mothers) define our path and our abilities rather than comparing ourselves to childless women? We are different. We think differently, act differently and prioritize differently. I was not a bad worker because I had to take my kids to the doctor (for the second year in a row). I was not a bad employee because I missed the lunch and afternoon sessions that day but returned for networking at dinner and seeing one of my mommy mentors win a well-deserved award. I was not a bad admissions representative because I said "not right now" to work and "snuggle in" to my kids. Priorities shift and work becomes "different" than what we were so used to. The solidarity I felt through that "Mom Side" session this week reminded me that what I am doing is strong work. It matters. I matter. And, there are other women who also feel this pressure to "do it all" as they used to. Just like regional admissions representatives often work "differently" than their office based counterparts, I would contend that moms work "differently" (though, just as hard) as their childless counterparts. Something to remember as both mommyhood and careers become more demanding of our time, energy, patience and focus.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Quick updates - January
It amazes me that Harper and Landon hear the same words every day, yet they know and say very different words. We read the same books and talk the same way to the both of them. Twins are awesome like that. Little people, born on the same day from the same mom yet vastly different personalities and experiences with each.
Harper: No, stop, moo, *horse noise*, mama, dada, hi, wow, whoa, cool
Landon: Yah, more, hi, bye, mama, dada, wow
Both are incredibly perceptive and understand much more than they can say. Landon is a bulldozer during play but such a sweetheart and a caring boy. The other night when I was getting Harper ready for bed, he grabbed the comb, crawled over to her head and starting "combing" her hair. This morning, she was fussing when I was changing her and he brought her 2 Cheerios and tried to give them to her (you know, in case she needed them). Harper is a free spirit. She will walk and pace and just talk up a storm to whoever will listen. She recently figured out how to really hug (something I think her dad taught her - he's a GREAT hug giver). She has an infectious smile too. A very teethy and wide open smile that just warms your heart.
We just had their 15 month check up and all is well. Landon comes in at over 27 pounds of pure boy. Dense is the best way to describe him. Just a solid mass of a little kid. Harper weighs in at 22 and a half pounds and is much stronger than she appears. The doctor was impressed and happy with their growth and development - a true blessing as we find ourselves constantly questioning if we are doing the right thing, teaching them enough or giving them enough experiences.
This weekend we head home for my work, next weekend we head to Des Moines for "Muenchmas". All of this is happening while we ANXIOUSLY await the arrival of our new nephew or niece. Erin and Chase are hanging in there and baby G is keeping warm with mom. They are already great parents and it has been so fun watching them over the last 9 months or so. We cannot wait for them to join the ranks of parenthood and feel everything we have over the last 15 months with Landon and Harper. It's something so so special and we know how blessed they are about to be.
Harper: No, stop, moo, *horse noise*, mama, dada, hi, wow, whoa, cool
Landon: Yah, more, hi, bye, mama, dada, wow
Both are incredibly perceptive and understand much more than they can say. Landon is a bulldozer during play but such a sweetheart and a caring boy. The other night when I was getting Harper ready for bed, he grabbed the comb, crawled over to her head and starting "combing" her hair. This morning, she was fussing when I was changing her and he brought her 2 Cheerios and tried to give them to her (you know, in case she needed them). Harper is a free spirit. She will walk and pace and just talk up a storm to whoever will listen. She recently figured out how to really hug (something I think her dad taught her - he's a GREAT hug giver). She has an infectious smile too. A very teethy and wide open smile that just warms your heart.
We just had their 15 month check up and all is well. Landon comes in at over 27 pounds of pure boy. Dense is the best way to describe him. Just a solid mass of a little kid. Harper weighs in at 22 and a half pounds and is much stronger than she appears. The doctor was impressed and happy with their growth and development - a true blessing as we find ourselves constantly questioning if we are doing the right thing, teaching them enough or giving them enough experiences.
This weekend we head home for my work, next weekend we head to Des Moines for "Muenchmas". All of this is happening while we ANXIOUSLY await the arrival of our new nephew or niece. Erin and Chase are hanging in there and baby G is keeping warm with mom. They are already great parents and it has been so fun watching them over the last 9 months or so. We cannot wait for them to join the ranks of parenthood and feel everything we have over the last 15 months with Landon and Harper. It's something so so special and we know how blessed they are about to be.
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Little feet...Big dreams
As Harper has started walking I have started thinking. I think of all the places those now little feet will take her. I dream of all the miles they will do, the defeat they will have to bring her back up on and the amount of times they will be completely swept out from under her. She, at times, walks so timidly with short quick steps. First testing her area and seeing if it's truly what she wants. Other times she is more adventurous and giddy with her steps. She rushes and quickly realizes that it's a bit too soon for running on hard wood. But my favorite is when she "skates". Floating across the floor in an attempt to be quicker than her granny walk but not as fast as Lolo Jones. When she skates she smiles endlessly and giggles at every imbalance or slip. A dare devil at heart but a true realist like her mom. I pray that these tiny feet carry her through life in the same way they are now. A little excitement, a little adventure and grounded in humble expectations. 
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
An Unsolicited Letter to my Pre-mom Self
So you're pregnant. Wow. It's really happening. There is a little being in you and, while it is still hard to comprehend, you know you love it. Before that tiny bundle rocks your world and changes everything, I want to let you know a billion (okay not really) things.
1. Throw out the fitness magazines and celebrity magazines. They will only make you feel unbeautiful at a time when, I assure you, you are your most beautiful. "Get back to pre-pregnancy weight in 4 weeks!" (Impossible because you are human) "I breastfed and the weight just melted off" (Bullshit. Just. Bullshit) Those headlines and stories are part of (in) advertant mom-bashing. They are also talking about women who have the ability to hire nannies, nutritionists and a thousand other things. You are human and normal. But most of all you are beautiful, to your husband, to your family and to your new baby.
2. What works for your baby, works. There are tons of books with advice and old ladies ready to tell you how they did it but you know what? They didn't have YOUR baby. Sometimes crunching on cereal at 2am is just what your baby needs to fall back asleep. Other times even a pin drop will set them into an uncontrollable cry. You worry about your baby and your sanity and leave the rest alone.
3. Get out of the house. It's good for you and it's great for your baby! Even if you haven't showered (for days), even if you have nothing to get, even if it is cold out. Take that kid to Target, walk around a bit and likely buy things you didn't know you needed (purple toaster that also butters your bread!?!? Sold!)
4. Babies cry but your baby's cry will be excruciating. It will pain you and make you ache. Not figuratively but quite literally. That's about all I can say to prepare you for it.
5. You're doing a great job. You have done a great job while pregnant and that won't just change overnight. Even when you are in the middle of a store and your baby is crying and hungry and others start to stare, you are doing a great job. Even if you rock and rock and rock with your baby and they won't go to sleep, you are doing a great job. Even if you lose contact with most of your friends because your new best friend arrived, you are doing a great job. It won't always feel like it. But you are.
6. Breathe. When you are overwhelmed. Breathe. When you are annoyed at all the opinions. Breathe. When your husband does something to bother you. Breathe. This is all a learning process for you, your husband and the baby (and in laws and parents and everyone). You are in uncharted territory and it takes time. Rely on God. And breathe.
And always, always remember that this too shall pass. Some days will be easy, some will be hard, some times you will want to give up and other times you will wonder why everyone complains. Being a mother, wife and YOU all at the same time is hard. But you are doing it. And there are "others" out there ready to help in any way possible.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Summer Recap and Other Thoughts
I've got to admit, it's getting better. It's getting better all the time.
People said it. We didn't believe them. They kept saying it. We kept denying it. But, alas, it's really true. It DOES get better.
Landon and Harper are now 10.5 months old. They laugh at jokes and not just a shadow on the wall anymore. They smile when we walk in the room and not only because they farted. They reach for us, kiss us, hug us and search for snuggles. Best of all....they put their own pacifiers back in their mouths EVEN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT (most of the time). All of this is the pay off for the first 6 months, when babyhood is not the most enjoyable moments for mommy and daddy.
We are getting more sleep. The 5am wake up calls are tough some mornings but it's hard to complain when they go to bed like a dream at 7pm. Harper has now figured out stomach sleeping and I think she's real happy with it. Landon usually doesn't fuss for much overnight - maybe a pacifier or a quick pick up and put down but for the most part he's a sound sleeper. We are truly blessed.
This summer we were SUPER busy. We traveled back to Iowa (and even Nebraska) every weekend in July. We spent loads of time with family and tried to take in summer as much as possible. This weekend, we head back to Iowa for what looks like our last time for a while. Landon and Harper are GREAT travelers. They sleep or occupy themselves in the car - again, we are truly blessed because of this.
What I really want to address is this:
I was listening to KLove the other day and heard them talking about having a favorite kid and how, in the Bible, it mentions that we shouldn't have favorites as parents. I couldn't help but sit there and reflect on this. Reflect on the realization that truly, in my heart, there really isn't a favorite and I doubted parents all over the world for so long. Call me a skeptic (because usually I am), but I was blown away at this.
I never believed any parent when they said "I don't have a favorite" when talking about their multiple children. I thought, surely, there was one kid that was just an inch above the rest and "secretly" was their favorite. I can tell you, now, that they were right - sort of. I do have a favorite at any given moment of any given day. But, as a whole, I love them both so intensely that I cannot measure it - it is so intense that there is no line between the two. Are there moments when Landon is fun and lovey and giggly and silly and I just love him SO MUCH? Yes, in that moment (because maybe Harper is being sassy and difficult). Are there moments after a nap when Harper is the most snugly little girl and understands to shake her head no and her smile lights up the room? Yes, and in that moment I FREAKING love her (and maybe because her brother is being a whiny Wilbur). I felt a sense of guilt about this realization. I didn't WANT to have a favorite and so I tried very hard not to show TOO much affection to one kid over the other. This. Was. Exhausting. And, to be honest, totally unrealistic.
I don't care if you have twins or if you have triplets or if you have one kid and then 6 years later have another. You don't have a favorite - overall. But be realistic and forgiving of yourself. Because you will have a favorite at any given moment of any given day. Show them love and affection in any way that you want. Over load them with hugs if, in that moment, you REALLY want to hug them (while the other one sits there throwing a temper tantrum). We won't get these moments back and I don't think either of our kids should feel short-changed on love and affection because we are worried about what the other one thinks all the time. Life isn't always equal and fair. Don't even get me started on the mentality that "everyone gets a trophy"...that's another blog post for another day.
I'll leave you with some pictures of our summer!
People said it. We didn't believe them. They kept saying it. We kept denying it. But, alas, it's really true. It DOES get better.
Landon and Harper are now 10.5 months old. They laugh at jokes and not just a shadow on the wall anymore. They smile when we walk in the room and not only because they farted. They reach for us, kiss us, hug us and search for snuggles. Best of all....they put their own pacifiers back in their mouths EVEN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT (most of the time). All of this is the pay off for the first 6 months, when babyhood is not the most enjoyable moments for mommy and daddy.
We are getting more sleep. The 5am wake up calls are tough some mornings but it's hard to complain when they go to bed like a dream at 7pm. Harper has now figured out stomach sleeping and I think she's real happy with it. Landon usually doesn't fuss for much overnight - maybe a pacifier or a quick pick up and put down but for the most part he's a sound sleeper. We are truly blessed.
This summer we were SUPER busy. We traveled back to Iowa (and even Nebraska) every weekend in July. We spent loads of time with family and tried to take in summer as much as possible. This weekend, we head back to Iowa for what looks like our last time for a while. Landon and Harper are GREAT travelers. They sleep or occupy themselves in the car - again, we are truly blessed because of this.
What I really want to address is this:
I was listening to KLove the other day and heard them talking about having a favorite kid and how, in the Bible, it mentions that we shouldn't have favorites as parents. I couldn't help but sit there and reflect on this. Reflect on the realization that truly, in my heart, there really isn't a favorite and I doubted parents all over the world for so long. Call me a skeptic (because usually I am), but I was blown away at this.
I never believed any parent when they said "I don't have a favorite" when talking about their multiple children. I thought, surely, there was one kid that was just an inch above the rest and "secretly" was their favorite. I can tell you, now, that they were right - sort of. I do have a favorite at any given moment of any given day. But, as a whole, I love them both so intensely that I cannot measure it - it is so intense that there is no line between the two. Are there moments when Landon is fun and lovey and giggly and silly and I just love him SO MUCH? Yes, in that moment (because maybe Harper is being sassy and difficult). Are there moments after a nap when Harper is the most snugly little girl and understands to shake her head no and her smile lights up the room? Yes, and in that moment I FREAKING love her (and maybe because her brother is being a whiny Wilbur). I felt a sense of guilt about this realization. I didn't WANT to have a favorite and so I tried very hard not to show TOO much affection to one kid over the other. This. Was. Exhausting. And, to be honest, totally unrealistic.
I don't care if you have twins or if you have triplets or if you have one kid and then 6 years later have another. You don't have a favorite - overall. But be realistic and forgiving of yourself. Because you will have a favorite at any given moment of any given day. Show them love and affection in any way that you want. Over load them with hugs if, in that moment, you REALLY want to hug them (while the other one sits there throwing a temper tantrum). We won't get these moments back and I don't think either of our kids should feel short-changed on love and affection because we are worried about what the other one thinks all the time. Life isn't always equal and fair. Don't even get me started on the mentality that "everyone gets a trophy"...that's another blog post for another day.
I'll leave you with some pictures of our summer!
Monday, May 5, 2014
A Letter To My Son
My Dearest Baby Boy Landon -
I so treasure the time we spend together. The times without sis, where you seem to relax and "cuddle in" to me. I know that you sense how precious these times are to me. However, last night was absurd. You and I (and your dad and your sister) know it.
You woke at 10:30pm and I quickly gave you some medicine that you should have taken hours before. You drifted back into sleep and I naively thought "ahhh, success". You then forced me out of bed at 12:15am with wails of terror as if you were screaming "OMG - MY PACIFIER. WHERE IS IT!?!?"
I slithered into your room and replaced your plastic mute button hoping that was the only thing you needed. Instead, your sister was now awake (the joys of sharing a room). I decided to use a trick that worked for months before. I placed you both in the same crib and turned on some music. Harper turned her little face right towards you (as you screamed at her) and closed her eyes. Apparently, your screams were the only music she needed.
Things went on like this for an hour before I asked your dad for help. You see...you were now calm in my arms and sister was wondering where her cribmate had gone. I handed your sleeping, heavy body to your dad so he could continue to rock with you as I picked up Harper. You had other plans. You would have none of that.
You wailed. In his arms, at his face, at that wall, at the ceiling. You wailed as he calmly tried to explain that sleep is necessary to function and that we aren't trying to punish you by making you sleep, rather we are trying to help you. You wailed as if some one was hurting you. You wailed like we weren't cuddling you and warming you up and keeping that plastic piece of delightfulness in your mouth. Your poor dad. He's a patient human most hours of the day but no one is patient at 2am, son. No. One.
I placed a calm-ish Harper back in her crib, music and mobile on and walked over to take over for your dad. We tried the "same crib" technique again and you calmed down enough for Harper to reach her dainty little hand over, pat you on the head, stroke your face a little and....wait....she was covering your nose - was SHE TOO annoyed at your sounds and trying to suffocate you?! Okay, it was adorable at first but now was the time to swaddle her one arm down and let you breathe.
The clock struck 3am and I was certain you weren't going to sleep. So I changed and fed you as if to say "you won, you got me". Content - you knock out cold. Landon - 1. Mommy/Daddy - 0.
I hope you realize that your three hour cryfest last night was not worth it. You cried incredibly too long for a small feeding. Learn from this. The squeaky wheel may get the cheese - but is it really worth it for a slice of fat free generic single? No - hold out till the morning for the good stuff.
Sincerely,
Your I'mSurvivingOnCoffeeToday Mom
I so treasure the time we spend together. The times without sis, where you seem to relax and "cuddle in" to me. I know that you sense how precious these times are to me. However, last night was absurd. You and I (and your dad and your sister) know it.
You woke at 10:30pm and I quickly gave you some medicine that you should have taken hours before. You drifted back into sleep and I naively thought "ahhh, success". You then forced me out of bed at 12:15am with wails of terror as if you were screaming "OMG - MY PACIFIER. WHERE IS IT!?!?"
I slithered into your room and replaced your plastic mute button hoping that was the only thing you needed. Instead, your sister was now awake (the joys of sharing a room). I decided to use a trick that worked for months before. I placed you both in the same crib and turned on some music. Harper turned her little face right towards you (as you screamed at her) and closed her eyes. Apparently, your screams were the only music she needed.
Things went on like this for an hour before I asked your dad for help. You see...you were now calm in my arms and sister was wondering where her cribmate had gone. I handed your sleeping, heavy body to your dad so he could continue to rock with you as I picked up Harper. You had other plans. You would have none of that.
You wailed. In his arms, at his face, at that wall, at the ceiling. You wailed as he calmly tried to explain that sleep is necessary to function and that we aren't trying to punish you by making you sleep, rather we are trying to help you. You wailed as if some one was hurting you. You wailed like we weren't cuddling you and warming you up and keeping that plastic piece of delightfulness in your mouth. Your poor dad. He's a patient human most hours of the day but no one is patient at 2am, son. No. One.
I placed a calm-ish Harper back in her crib, music and mobile on and walked over to take over for your dad. We tried the "same crib" technique again and you calmed down enough for Harper to reach her dainty little hand over, pat you on the head, stroke your face a little and....wait....she was covering your nose - was SHE TOO annoyed at your sounds and trying to suffocate you?! Okay, it was adorable at first but now was the time to swaddle her one arm down and let you breathe.
The clock struck 3am and I was certain you weren't going to sleep. So I changed and fed you as if to say "you won, you got me". Content - you knock out cold. Landon - 1. Mommy/Daddy - 0.
I hope you realize that your three hour cryfest last night was not worth it. You cried incredibly too long for a small feeding. Learn from this. The squeaky wheel may get the cheese - but is it really worth it for a slice of fat free generic single? No - hold out till the morning for the good stuff.
Sincerely,
Your I'mSurvivingOnCoffeeToday Mom
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Choosing to Forget.
It's true what they say about the way that only you can love your baby(ies). They are, without a doubt, the two things we look forward to most in the morning and in the evening. We love their little noses, their rolls, their chunk, their different personalities.
4-5 months is the age we ALL think of when we think of having a baby. Even our doctor said it. We tend to skip over the first 3 months and move to the smiles, cooing, rolling, and laughing. However, those first 3 months of parenthood and babyhood are rough. They are filled with screams and cries where nothing seems to work. They are defined by "up all night" and sleep deprivation. There is the learning process of breastfeeding that can bring even the strongest women to their breaking point. Those first 3 months there is not even a thought of having another baby because WHO WOULD BE SO STUPID?
But then 4 months hits and this blinder comes over you. You start to think that this isn't so bad. You could possibly do this again. Right? RIGHT?! Let us not forget what those first 3 months are like when looking at adorable pictures (see below - courtesy of Adam Sharp) or getting that coveted gigglefest from your little one. I cannot predict the future and what it holds for our family...I just know that Ethan and I have given this scenario some serious thought recently as the days and nights get easier and we start to forget those earlier times. So, here's to all those moms and dads that said "lets do this again"...you brave, brave souls.
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4-5 months is the age we ALL think of when we think of having a baby. Even our doctor said it. We tend to skip over the first 3 months and move to the smiles, cooing, rolling, and laughing. However, those first 3 months of parenthood and babyhood are rough. They are filled with screams and cries where nothing seems to work. They are defined by "up all night" and sleep deprivation. There is the learning process of breastfeeding that can bring even the strongest women to their breaking point. Those first 3 months there is not even a thought of having another baby because WHO WOULD BE SO STUPID?
But then 4 months hits and this blinder comes over you. You start to think that this isn't so bad. You could possibly do this again. Right? RIGHT?! Let us not forget what those first 3 months are like when looking at adorable pictures (see below - courtesy of Adam Sharp) or getting that coveted gigglefest from your little one. I cannot predict the future and what it holds for our family...I just know that Ethan and I have given this scenario some serious thought recently as the days and nights get easier and we start to forget those earlier times. So, here's to all those moms and dads that said "lets do this again"...you brave, brave souls.
Friday, January 10, 2014
She's got a way about her...
"...I don't know what it is
But I know that I can't live without her"
If you asked us what we had hoped for when we were pregnant, our answer was always 'one of each'. This was and still is true. We knew the benefits to having one of each and the trials. We understood that having one of each was considered by some as "lucky" and what this might possibly mean for our future as parents.
Inevitably, we would run into some people who would reply with something along the lines of "yeah, or two boys, you don't want two girls!" to which we always smiled and giggled. We weren't sure we wanted two boys either - oy vey! Throughout the pregnancy, I felt like anyone talking to Ethan overly hoped that he would have boys and not girls. Maybe this was because boys stick together or they thought that he would be ultimately disappointed not to be able to pass along his football loving to some one, or would struggle to connect to a girl.
Let me tell you something....
There is nothing...I MEAN NOTHING...more precious than watching Ethan's love for Harper. His little princess. His little girl. His heart. I think he was just as surprised as everyone at how much this little 5lb 7oz beauty stole every part of him and melts him with just a look. Their relationship is deep and it has been from that very first day. He's quick to change her, quick to hold her, quick to play with her and quick to love her. She is not always an easy baby - she's got a bit of her mother's sass in her. Her screams can shatter glass and her cranky times seem to last longer than necessary. But she's also lovey. She snuggles, and coos and those morning stretches - OMG THOSE MORNING STRETCHES will melt any ones heart.
Instead of football to pass down, Ethan is passing along his love of reading (to be fair, he shares this love with both twins). He is passing along his love of relaxing and playing and his love of giggling and being silly. And he is passing along his incredible hugging skills to her even though she doesn't know it yet. I'm sure football will be discussed at a later date but right now, their relationship is so adorable that I cannot help but stare and stare when they are together.
So yes, having a boy has been remarkable and Landon and Ethan have a great relationship as well. They talk football, cuddle and play....but there is just something extra in his eyes when Harper catches him...
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But I know that I can't live without her"
If you asked us what we had hoped for when we were pregnant, our answer was always 'one of each'. This was and still is true. We knew the benefits to having one of each and the trials. We understood that having one of each was considered by some as "lucky" and what this might possibly mean for our future as parents.
Inevitably, we would run into some people who would reply with something along the lines of "yeah, or two boys, you don't want two girls!" to which we always smiled and giggled. We weren't sure we wanted two boys either - oy vey! Throughout the pregnancy, I felt like anyone talking to Ethan overly hoped that he would have boys and not girls. Maybe this was because boys stick together or they thought that he would be ultimately disappointed not to be able to pass along his football loving to some one, or would struggle to connect to a girl.
Let me tell you something....
There is nothing...I MEAN NOTHING...more precious than watching Ethan's love for Harper. His little princess. His little girl. His heart. I think he was just as surprised as everyone at how much this little 5lb 7oz beauty stole every part of him and melts him with just a look. Their relationship is deep and it has been from that very first day. He's quick to change her, quick to hold her, quick to play with her and quick to love her. She is not always an easy baby - she's got a bit of her mother's sass in her. Her screams can shatter glass and her cranky times seem to last longer than necessary. But she's also lovey. She snuggles, and coos and those morning stretches - OMG THOSE MORNING STRETCHES will melt any ones heart.
Instead of football to pass down, Ethan is passing along his love of reading (to be fair, he shares this love with both twins). He is passing along his love of relaxing and playing and his love of giggling and being silly. And he is passing along his incredible hugging skills to her even though she doesn't know it yet. I'm sure football will be discussed at a later date but right now, their relationship is so adorable that I cannot help but stare and stare when they are together.
So yes, having a boy has been remarkable and Landon and Ethan have a great relationship as well. They talk football, cuddle and play....but there is just something extra in his eyes when Harper catches him...
Monday, December 16, 2013
Nobody Said It Was Easy...
...No one ever said it would be this hard. Thanks, Coldplay. You nailed it.
This motherhood thing is, without a doubt, the most challenging thing I have ever done. Go to Grad School? No problem. Lose 50 pounds? You got it. Run 10 miles consistently? Sure thing. Be a mother to twins? Ummm.
It's not so much the sleepless nights and afternoons of crankiness (times two). It's everything that no one talks about. It's the fact that WHEN they cry, something inside of you aches. Not just your heart aching, but a real physical pain that you feel through every nerve in your body. Your baby cries and you ache. Your friends' baby cries and you just laugh cuz it's annoying but does absolutely nothing to you.
It's the urge to scream at and cuddle that baby at the same time. Furious that you can't sooth them but so sorry for them because they are babies and don't know any better. It's a constant back and forth between emotions on each extreme.
It's the schedule. One feeding after another - and that's if we are lucky to be on the same schedule. One baby finishes eating and you wish you were done too, but you have another one waiting in the wings (often looking at you like: "leftovers? I get leftovers?"). What could be a half hour quickly turns into an hour or more. I know, I know...there is a way to tandem nurse and I do that too...it doesn't shorten the time by much.
It's the messes. Not only in their diapers but on your clothes, your couch, your chairs, your counters, your bathroom, your kitchen...everywhere. Nothing is clean or seems clean no matter how much Clorox you use. Don't get me wrong, the diaper messes are bad too.
It's the feeding. For those of you who have chosen to breastfeed, I give you my deepest respect. This is not for the weary. This is hard. It's time consuming. It often feels like you are ruining your body. It hurts like hell (and if it didn't hurt like hell for you for the first bit of your baby's life, I don't even want to talk to you). I had one twin who "got it" right away and another who, at 7 weeks, went with me back to an LC to "get it". It messes with your body image in a way that no one talks about. It's also one of the most rewarding things I do. But my, it hurts like hell sometimes.
More than the noise and the time and the aching and the messes, it's the pressure. The pressure to do it all and be it all. I am their mom. The one who feeds them. The one who, because of our work schedules and laws, stayed home with them. The one who gets up in the middle of the night because if it's food they want, dad can't really do that. It's the pressure to provide the best life for them without knowing what their best life is going to be.
Some days I (and mothers all over) handle this pressure with grace and other days we crumble (albeit silently) and hope that no one notices. Through all of this pressure, I have had the good fortune to be surrounded by supportive people. My husband has been the most supportive and encouraging individual in my life these last 9 weeks. He has watched me cry hysterically for no good reason, cry for very good reasons and muster up the strength and patience to get up ONE MORE TIME in the middle of the night just to place a pacifier back in their mouths. My family and Ethan's family has never once made me feel less than amazing. They are here both physically and mentally as I take on each day. What has caught me off guard more than anything (and I should be ashamed at what little faith I have in people) is the outpouring of Mom Support from long lost friends, acquaintances and sometimes total strangers. Their comments on facebook, blogs that they share and random text messages come through in times when nothing else seems to work. It is a constant reminder that we are in this together. We cannot be in the business of tearing each other down but build each other up.
This shit is hard. Real hard. And no body told us it would be this hard...
This motherhood thing is, without a doubt, the most challenging thing I have ever done. Go to Grad School? No problem. Lose 50 pounds? You got it. Run 10 miles consistently? Sure thing. Be a mother to twins? Ummm.
It's not so much the sleepless nights and afternoons of crankiness (times two). It's everything that no one talks about. It's the fact that WHEN they cry, something inside of you aches. Not just your heart aching, but a real physical pain that you feel through every nerve in your body. Your baby cries and you ache. Your friends' baby cries and you just laugh cuz it's annoying but does absolutely nothing to you.
It's the urge to scream at and cuddle that baby at the same time. Furious that you can't sooth them but so sorry for them because they are babies and don't know any better. It's a constant back and forth between emotions on each extreme.
It's the schedule. One feeding after another - and that's if we are lucky to be on the same schedule. One baby finishes eating and you wish you were done too, but you have another one waiting in the wings (often looking at you like: "leftovers? I get leftovers?"). What could be a half hour quickly turns into an hour or more. I know, I know...there is a way to tandem nurse and I do that too...it doesn't shorten the time by much.
It's the messes. Not only in their diapers but on your clothes, your couch, your chairs, your counters, your bathroom, your kitchen...everywhere. Nothing is clean or seems clean no matter how much Clorox you use. Don't get me wrong, the diaper messes are bad too.
It's the feeding. For those of you who have chosen to breastfeed, I give you my deepest respect. This is not for the weary. This is hard. It's time consuming. It often feels like you are ruining your body. It hurts like hell (and if it didn't hurt like hell for you for the first bit of your baby's life, I don't even want to talk to you). I had one twin who "got it" right away and another who, at 7 weeks, went with me back to an LC to "get it". It messes with your body image in a way that no one talks about. It's also one of the most rewarding things I do. But my, it hurts like hell sometimes.
More than the noise and the time and the aching and the messes, it's the pressure. The pressure to do it all and be it all. I am their mom. The one who feeds them. The one who, because of our work schedules and laws, stayed home with them. The one who gets up in the middle of the night because if it's food they want, dad can't really do that. It's the pressure to provide the best life for them without knowing what their best life is going to be.
Some days I (and mothers all over) handle this pressure with grace and other days we crumble (albeit silently) and hope that no one notices. Through all of this pressure, I have had the good fortune to be surrounded by supportive people. My husband has been the most supportive and encouraging individual in my life these last 9 weeks. He has watched me cry hysterically for no good reason, cry for very good reasons and muster up the strength and patience to get up ONE MORE TIME in the middle of the night just to place a pacifier back in their mouths. My family and Ethan's family has never once made me feel less than amazing. They are here both physically and mentally as I take on each day. What has caught me off guard more than anything (and I should be ashamed at what little faith I have in people) is the outpouring of Mom Support from long lost friends, acquaintances and sometimes total strangers. Their comments on facebook, blogs that they share and random text messages come through in times when nothing else seems to work. It is a constant reminder that we are in this together. We cannot be in the business of tearing each other down but build each other up.
This shit is hard. Real hard. And no body told us it would be this hard...
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Lucky number 13
Here we are. It's been awhile since I last posted and so much has happened since then. September was a blur looking back. It was filled with travel for work, football reffing, and preparing everything we could for the twins. October first provided some needed relief as I was officially done with travel and Ethan was nearing the end of his reffing this year. Little did we know (or want to believe) that October was also going to be filled with contractions, uncomfortable-ness, and early morning trips to the hospital.
We went to the hospital a total of 3 times, the third being the babies birthday. The mornings were filled with anticipation, anxiety and confusion along with a lot of monitoring, blood work and some truly awesome nurses. October 13th, I woke with some great big contractions. This didn't bother me so much as I had actually been having contractions most of the day at this point. What worried me most was the nausea and intense headache - something the nurses and doctors told me to be watchful of since my blood pressure was beginning to get a bit high. I woke Ethan up and he was kind enough to believe me that this might really be it, but I could also tell that he was annoyed - another useless trip to the hospital just to be sent home?
Everything on October 13th happened so fast and looking back I'm not certain that I remember 1/2 of it. 5:45am we checked into the unit. Monitoring started and somewhere between 6am and 6:30am a nurse told us that we would likely move forward with delivery today. I remember looking at Ethan and saying something along the lines of "holy shit" while he replied with "man, I was actually kind of mad at you when you woke me up this morning...". Our doctor came in shortly after and couldn't confirm the position of the babies and we decided to move forward with a c-section. I'll spare you details of this event - unless you really want to know and, you know me, I'm an open book :-)
Enter Landon at 9:02am. He was perfect looking and pretty quiet. A handsome 5lb 3oz boy with a mild temper. Landon laid on the table and the nurses tried to get him to scream but he was perfectly content just looking around with a whimper or two but nothing more.
Enter Harper at 9:03am. She was loud and the doctors joked that she was peeing everywhere (indeed, Ethan said she was). A gorgeous 5lb 7oz girl that looked nothing like her brother at the time. She didn't act much like him either as she let her lungs fly!
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What a miracle. A boy and a girl - something we thought would happen the whole pregnancy but never had confirmed. It truly was the best surprise of life and I wouldn't have changed our choice to wait for anything.
We went to the hospital a total of 3 times, the third being the babies birthday. The mornings were filled with anticipation, anxiety and confusion along with a lot of monitoring, blood work and some truly awesome nurses. October 13th, I woke with some great big contractions. This didn't bother me so much as I had actually been having contractions most of the day at this point. What worried me most was the nausea and intense headache - something the nurses and doctors told me to be watchful of since my blood pressure was beginning to get a bit high. I woke Ethan up and he was kind enough to believe me that this might really be it, but I could also tell that he was annoyed - another useless trip to the hospital just to be sent home?
Everything on October 13th happened so fast and looking back I'm not certain that I remember 1/2 of it. 5:45am we checked into the unit. Monitoring started and somewhere between 6am and 6:30am a nurse told us that we would likely move forward with delivery today. I remember looking at Ethan and saying something along the lines of "holy shit" while he replied with "man, I was actually kind of mad at you when you woke me up this morning...". Our doctor came in shortly after and couldn't confirm the position of the babies and we decided to move forward with a c-section. I'll spare you details of this event - unless you really want to know and, you know me, I'm an open book :-)
Enter Landon at 9:02am. He was perfect looking and pretty quiet. A handsome 5lb 3oz boy with a mild temper. Landon laid on the table and the nurses tried to get him to scream but he was perfectly content just looking around with a whimper or two but nothing more.
Enter Harper at 9:03am. She was loud and the doctors joked that she was peeing everywhere (indeed, Ethan said she was). A gorgeous 5lb 7oz girl that looked nothing like her brother at the time. She didn't act much like him either as she let her lungs fly!
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What a miracle. A boy and a girl - something we thought would happen the whole pregnancy but never had confirmed. It truly was the best surprise of life and I wouldn't have changed our choice to wait for anything.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
They Said What?!
So there are a whole slew of things that people say when they
find out you are pregnant. Right? From “Do you know what you are having?” to “Were
you trying?”…the amount of ignorant and sometimes hurtful things that people say
to pregnant women is astounding. Sure,
maybe they don’t understand that at 8 weeks you have no freaking idea what you
are having other than an alien-look-a-like-baby inside of you. And the “were you trying” question…really? Is there a way to “not try” and still get
pregnant? (Let me clarify - "trying to have twins" is a bit different...there wasn't a whole lot we could control to have this outcome)
As we enter the 3rd trimester (OMG HOW DID THIS
HAPPEN SO FAST!?), I sit and reflect on the crazy things that I have heard and
been asked so far. This is not meant to
be mean or condescending – I honestly believe that some people just “don’t know”
or “mean well”…but sometimes there is no excuse for ignorance (historically we
have cried ignorance to “not knowing better” and look where that has gotten us
on a lot of issues…..). Most of these
come after telling someone we are expecting twins, which always seems to
heighten the intensity and stupidity of a question. I’ll
try to give my honest reaction to them all - mind you, I'm already a sarcastic person...:-)
1.
“Twins? OMG what are you going to do?” - I don’t know. Haven’t decided yet. Maybe we will keep one, maybe we will give
one away. Maybe we’ll just keep one in there forever and pretend it never
happened. We have time to decide
right? I mean. What would YOU do?
2.
“Were they natural?” – Yup – totally human
babies in here. Wouldn’t that be cool if
we had aliens or little panda babies or something sweet that no other human
could do?!
3.
Follow-up usually to #2 – “No, I mean, did you
have any help?” – Well, my husband was there…
4.
Final follow-up to #2 and #3 – “No, like, did
you do IVF”. OKAY – here’s the thing…that’s
a super PERSONAL question for people. We
know that we are very fortunate to not have had to go through the emotional
stresses and heartache of infertility.
It doesn’t matter if your baby was conceived using a penis and vagina
the “good old fashioned way” or in a petrie dish or with some other
intervention. It’s a human child (2 of
them, to be exact) and doesn’t matter how it happened. And frankly, it’s none of your business
unless you want to tell me all about your love making ability (or inability)…go
ahead. I dare you. I swear I’ll ask the most personal questions
out there…
5.
“You’re really small, are you sure there are
two?” – Here’s the thing. Early on in a
twin pregnancy this really bothered me because there is this thing called Vanishing Twin Syndrome and it’s
terrifying and it’s something I (and most twin moms???) freak out about. It’s the fact that you have these two little
lives inside of you that you are loving and nourishing and without you knowing
or doing anything to cause it – one of them could just vanish and get
re-absorbed. That’s terrifying
stuff. So to hear (sometimes on a daily
basis) that you are “small” can get a little overwhelming until you have hit a
good mile marker in your pregnancy.
Likewise – just because we carry more than one baby doesn’t mean that we
have to be huge elephants the whole 9 months.
6.
“You’re going to be HUGE by the end” – Um…gee
thanks. Haven’t had that thought pass
through my mind at all as I contemplate carrying TWO babies in a belly made for
one. Ps: I’m sure you were a picture
perfect model pregnant woman who didn’t get big at all….all belly…uh huh….I’m
sure you were…..
7.
“You’re going to need two of everything!” –
Again…thanks Captain Obvious. Clearly we
won’t make them share one diaper but do I really need two of EVERYTHING? Two gliders?
Two changing tables? OMG do I need to double my breasts to 4 just to accommodate?!?!
8.
“Oh my friend had twins and they were 9 and 10
pounds each” - That sounds like a lot of
baby cuz it IS A LOT OF BABY. I don’t
think anyone reading this is saying “man, I would love to carry almost 20
pounds of CHILD inside of me all while keeping up with my day to day activities”. On the flip side, let’s all be aware that
there are many people who have twins very early on (and heck, single babies
early on) that would have LOVED to have their babies a little bigger, a little
healthier, a little less pre-term. I’m
not sure if people tell these stories to scare us or to warn us or what…but
there is always a flip side. We just
hope for two healthy beings…plus big babies sleep well so I’m sure your friend
was just fine.
9.
“You’re going to be nursing all the time if you
breastfeed” – I don’t know the answer to this one. This being our first shot at breastfeeding –
I’m not sure what to expect. What I
really want to do after someone makes this comment is reach out and slap
them. This is not a productive or
positive comment. I’m sure you are the
same person that would scold me for NOT breastfeeding….which brings me to my
last remark…..
10.
“Are you going to breastfeed – it’s the best for
baby” (insert condescending judgmental eyes staring at you) – I would love to
be able to see into the future. I do not
know if my body will cooperate or if my kids will latch on. I desperately hope that I am able to provide
enough for them through these fun bags but, this might be a surprise to you, if
I can’t breastfeed I’m sure that the world will keep turning and my kids will
grow up healthy. Yes, “breast is best”
but there are many times when it doesn’t work out. Things don’t always go as planned. As most moms would attest, you do the best
that you can for your baby with what you have – and only you know what’s best
for YOUR baby. No one else.
So there you have it – not every comment I’ve heard to date,
but the majority of them. I’m sure there
will be more and I’m sure that once I have two mini-me’s to tote around it will
be even more “hilarious”. I’ll have to
come back and update then. For the most
part, I have enjoyed talking openly with people about our experience and our
emotions and our feelings. It’s somewhat
liberating to let others know that we aren’t always perfect (and dammit, we don’t
have to be).
Friday, August 2, 2013
We Love You Too (Two?)!
Can it really be only 12 (or less) weeks until our babies are here?! It's still so hard to wrap our heads around the fact that there will soon be two little ones taking over our every move. We are so excited to meet them!!
Summer has flown by and it's hard to believe that we are already into August. We were able to spend some quality time with family in July going to the Dells for a long weekend with my immediate family and then a nice weekend home for Bix where we were able to reconnect with some of Ethan's family (immediate and extended). As we gear up for a busy August, an even busier September and an unpredictable October, we are reminded that our family and friends are showering us with love and support. I was blessed to be back on Augustana's campus this week meeting new co-workers and saying goodbye to ones that are moving on with their life adventure. There was even a sweet little shower for me at Crust Pizza where Twix bars were turned into TWIN bars and two monkeys were in a peapod. Just adorable. We cannot thank you all enough.
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I had an ultrasound this morning and both babies are looking great! Both measure in at 1 lb. 9 oz and are about 24 1/2 weeks along (even though I'm about 25 1/2). Heartbeats are still strong and doctors have no complaints about how this is all going. Feeling so blessed and grateful for a wonderful pregnancy so far!
I'll leave you with a cute photo captured this morning at our ultrasound. Baby B signing "I love you" - probably trying to send Ethan a message since he wasn't able to be there this morning. ;-) Don't worry Muenchkins, we love you too!
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Summer has flown by and it's hard to believe that we are already into August. We were able to spend some quality time with family in July going to the Dells for a long weekend with my immediate family and then a nice weekend home for Bix where we were able to reconnect with some of Ethan's family (immediate and extended). As we gear up for a busy August, an even busier September and an unpredictable October, we are reminded that our family and friends are showering us with love and support. I was blessed to be back on Augustana's campus this week meeting new co-workers and saying goodbye to ones that are moving on with their life adventure. There was even a sweet little shower for me at Crust Pizza where Twix bars were turned into TWIN bars and two monkeys were in a peapod. Just adorable. We cannot thank you all enough.
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I had an ultrasound this morning and both babies are looking great! Both measure in at 1 lb. 9 oz and are about 24 1/2 weeks along (even though I'm about 25 1/2). Heartbeats are still strong and doctors have no complaints about how this is all going. Feeling so blessed and grateful for a wonderful pregnancy so far!
I'll leave you with a cute photo captured this morning at our ultrasound. Baby B signing "I love you" - probably trying to send Ethan a message since he wasn't able to be there this morning. ;-) Don't worry Muenchkins, we love you too!
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Thursday, June 27, 2013
20 Week Ultrasound Update
We finally got to see our babies on Tuesday. It's just BANANAS to think that there are really two living beings in there. They were perfect (what parent doesn't say that?!) and everything checked out normally. We were informed that the twins are, in fact, fraternal which only solidifies our inclinations (or hopes?) that we are having one boy and one girl. However, we closed our eyes when the goods had to be examined and we are still in the dark as to what we are actually having! We are just overwhelmed with love right now and so grateful to have this experience.
The babies are positioned so that Baby A is head down, right on my bladder - I could have told them that! Baby B is breech and tends to lie on my right side or under my belly button a bit more. Both move around a lot and are kicking each other in the head most the day. Sibling rivalry already? We actually got to watch them do this at one point in our ultrasound...so crazy.
The babies are positioned so that Baby A is head down, right on my bladder - I could have told them that! Baby B is breech and tends to lie on my right side or under my belly button a bit more. Both move around a lot and are kicking each other in the head most the day. Sibling rivalry already? We actually got to watch them do this at one point in our ultrasound...so crazy.
Baby A - Holding up a #1 right after the Blackhawks Stanley Cup win. What a kid!
Weighing in at 10oz.
Baby B - moving a lot so this was the best shot we could get.
Weighing in at 11oz.
Okay - this is adorable (we think!). Baby B with it's legs straight out (feet on the right). The baby was like this for a good 5 min. As our nephew, Noah, would say "Look at that cute tooshie!"
Thursday, June 20, 2013
"Ohhhh, we're half way there! Ohhhhhh! Living on a prayer!"
It feels like just yesterday we were letting people know that we were pregnant. It feels slightly less long ago that we had to re-tell them that it was twins. The anticipation, anxiety, fear, excitement, joyousness, and support over these last couple months has been truly amazing. We cannot thank our family and friends enough for their generosity in gifts and time. Often, it was an ear to talk to that meant the most.
We have slowly started to put our babies room together. They will be taking over the guest room and, while it will be a tight fit, they will have it all to themselves. Sharing things will be second nature to them with most everything else! :-)
We are halfway there now! We won't go any longer than 38 weeks which will bring us right to November 1st - PERFECT! ;-) I have been feeling them randomly move around. So incredible. Still too light for Ethan to feel from the outside but I expect that to change any week now. We get to "see" them on Tuesday at the high risk ultrasound and it would be an understatement to say that we are excited. We haven't had an ultrasound since week 8 and it's getting harder to wait! No, we won't be finding out the sex of the babies. They have been total surprises so far, so we will just let them have this last joke on us at the delivery. Boys or Girls or one of each, doesn't matter to us. We love them so much already!
We have slowly started to put our babies room together. They will be taking over the guest room and, while it will be a tight fit, they will have it all to themselves. Sharing things will be second nature to them with most everything else! :-)
We are halfway there now! We won't go any longer than 38 weeks which will bring us right to November 1st - PERFECT! ;-) I have been feeling them randomly move around. So incredible. Still too light for Ethan to feel from the outside but I expect that to change any week now. We get to "see" them on Tuesday at the high risk ultrasound and it would be an understatement to say that we are excited. We haven't had an ultrasound since week 8 and it's getting harder to wait! No, we won't be finding out the sex of the babies. They have been total surprises so far, so we will just let them have this last joke on us at the delivery. Boys or Girls or one of each, doesn't matter to us. We love them so much already!
19 weeks! Half way there!
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Only God Can Make 1+1=4
Sometimes in life, you can prepare as well as you like. You can budget,
you can set aside resources, you can research as much as humanly
possible. But sometimes in life, you are at your first ultrasound
appointment so excited to see the little human growing inside of you
only to find out........there are two. Yes, TWO! No one taught me how to prepare for that!
There they are. The newest Muenchkins. Plural. Heartbeats and all. Who knew? I think Ethan and I told our ultrasound technician to "shut up" several times and repeatatively asked her "what?!?!". We also sat in silence...gripping each others hand so tight that by the end there were nail marks and white knuckles. Twins don't run in our families - and Ethan comes from a HUGE family of single babies. Single baby after single baby. No twins for as far as the eye can see. So what do you do when you get thrown a curve ball, no screwball, no "OH MY GOD IT'S GOING TO HIT ME" ball? We laughed. Hysterically laughed. We walked out of the doctors office and in the elevator (which everyone can see through the open glass) we hugged each other and we laughed. We walked to the car, sat down and laughed. We looked at each other and said "well, that's what we get for always joking that we should just have twins and be done with it", and then we laughed some more. Once we were done laughing (or...at least enough to take a breath), we called our parents. You know what they did? They laughed....and screamed...and we THINK they may have teared up but it's hard to tell over the phone when everything is chaotic.
Most importantly, our parents were EXCITED! An emotion I'm not sure Ethan and I felt since before the ultrasound. Terrified - YES. Overwhelmed - OF COURSE. Shocked - YOU KNOW IT. Excited - ummmm...........yes? Were we? Were we already making our first parental mistake by NOT being overly excited and joyous that this happened? I'm not sure, and I'm not sure that we really cared if it was a "mistake" or perfectly freaking normal to feel this way. (We went with the latter - because it IS normal and totally healthy to feel that way). Of course, we called our siblings next and they were drinking the kool aid that our parents were drinking. Slowly but surely this was becoming more and more real.
So, then the planning (again) began. Two of everything - cribs, car seats, high chairs, pack and plays, bouncy seats...and...daycare (oh my goodness don't get me started on college....). I think I gave myself a mini panic attack each time I tried to wrap my head around all of this. All I could see were dollar signs...dollar signs that we don't have. Thankfully, our parents were constantly re-assuring. Their words of encouragement and willingness to help along the way have been truly amazing and greatly appreciated. I think we would have crumbled without our family's support. It came at a time when we all needed it.
Our little turkeys will be here in November if mommy has her way (official due date Nov. 13)! We are 1/3 of the way there! To all you other moms, moms-to-be, and moms-to-be-again out there (there sure are a lot of us!) I hope you enjoyed Mothers Day. What an amazing feeling.
April 8th - Almost 9 weeks along
There they are. The newest Muenchkins. Plural. Heartbeats and all. Who knew? I think Ethan and I told our ultrasound technician to "shut up" several times and repeatatively asked her "what?!?!". We also sat in silence...gripping each others hand so tight that by the end there were nail marks and white knuckles. Twins don't run in our families - and Ethan comes from a HUGE family of single babies. Single baby after single baby. No twins for as far as the eye can see. So what do you do when you get thrown a curve ball, no screwball, no "OH MY GOD IT'S GOING TO HIT ME" ball? We laughed. Hysterically laughed. We walked out of the doctors office and in the elevator (which everyone can see through the open glass) we hugged each other and we laughed. We walked to the car, sat down and laughed. We looked at each other and said "well, that's what we get for always joking that we should just have twins and be done with it", and then we laughed some more. Once we were done laughing (or...at least enough to take a breath), we called our parents. You know what they did? They laughed....and screamed...and we THINK they may have teared up but it's hard to tell over the phone when everything is chaotic.
Most importantly, our parents were EXCITED! An emotion I'm not sure Ethan and I felt since before the ultrasound. Terrified - YES. Overwhelmed - OF COURSE. Shocked - YOU KNOW IT. Excited - ummmm...........yes? Were we? Were we already making our first parental mistake by NOT being overly excited and joyous that this happened? I'm not sure, and I'm not sure that we really cared if it was a "mistake" or perfectly freaking normal to feel this way. (We went with the latter - because it IS normal and totally healthy to feel that way). Of course, we called our siblings next and they were drinking the kool aid that our parents were drinking. Slowly but surely this was becoming more and more real.
So, then the planning (again) began. Two of everything - cribs, car seats, high chairs, pack and plays, bouncy seats...and...daycare (oh my goodness don't get me started on college....). I think I gave myself a mini panic attack each time I tried to wrap my head around all of this. All I could see were dollar signs...dollar signs that we don't have. Thankfully, our parents were constantly re-assuring. Their words of encouragement and willingness to help along the way have been truly amazing and greatly appreciated. I think we would have crumbled without our family's support. It came at a time when we all needed it.
After over a year of getting rid of that thing...it's coming back. Week 12.
Here we are now, over 13 weeks along and feeling great. Other than being exhausted from growing two little beings, I have had a fairly easy pregnancy. I'm getting some energy back and wanting to work out again which is a welcome feeling. Our heads (and hearts) are finally wrapped around these two babies and we know we are going to be just fine. We have been scouring garage sales and learning that people are way more generous than they need to be. Life has continued to throw us a"OH MY GOD IT'S GOING TO HIT ME" ball in the form of rain the other week. We actually lost one of our cars (my little Focus) in the flood in our parking lot. Thank goodness for great car insurance because this turned into a blessing. Can you imagine fitting two car seats into a Ford Focus? Yeah...exactly. With the money from insurance for the totaled car, we were able to purchase a new, bigger car (Ford Escape SUV) to be fully prepared for our babies. So much has not gone as planned these last couple months, but they have all turned out VERY okay. We know God wouldn't, and WON'T give us more than we can handle and we are so grateful for the good people He has placed around us for support. 
Our little turkeys will be here in November if mommy has her way (official due date Nov. 13)! We are 1/3 of the way there! To all you other moms, moms-to-be, and moms-to-be-again out there (there sure are a lot of us!) I hope you enjoyed Mothers Day. What an amazing feeling.
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