To everything - turn, turn, turn There is a season - turn, turn, turn

Just as quickly as the leaves are going to be changing, our lives haven't stopped changing yet.

Back in June, I wrote about the craziness of our move and jobs and life in general.  When I wrote that post, I expected that to be the finale.  Boy was I wrong.

Remember that husband of mine who is a hustler and go-getter and won't stop at anything?  Well, he accepted a position in August back with Wellcare (remember that company that moved us to Iowa?  Yah, them) and started working with the same manager that he has the utmost respect for.  The catch?  The position is located in Omaha, Nebraska.

So, early on Monday mornings Ethan wakes up and helps to get the kids downstairs.  Then, he leaves.  For 5 whole days.  We knew going into this that he would be gone a lot and we accepted that.  I knew I could manage and take care of the kids without problems (hell, we did this same thing back when the twins were MORE dependent on me and LESS mobile and we survived!)

But let me tell you about the 2 weeks from hell.  Straight hell.

It was a Friday and I had called Ethan on my way to pick up the kids from daycare.  He had just finished his first week on the job and I was curious what time he would get on the road home.  Then he dropped a BOMB on me.  The manager that he adores and respects had decided to take a position with another company.  Another company back in Des Moines that just happened to be the same company he had JUST LEFT.  He was so calm telling me this, a true sign that his respect for the work, relationship and situation was more important than any hurt feelings at this time.  I have to give him a lot of credit for calming me down and helping me understand.  Without that, I'm sure he would have rather stayed in Omaha for the weekend...

Fast forward to the following Thursday.  It's 3pm and my manager comes over to my team and tells us to follow her to a meeting room.  We knew.  We all knew.  This is not one of those "let's have a team meeting" or "let's talk about process flow" meetings.  This, sure enough, was a "your department is being dissolved due to an error in our contracting with the state" meeting.  Fortunately, we all were told that they had secured other jobs in other departments for us and that we would be transitioning over soon.

So, I have Ethan's news lingering for a week.  Now my work news and less than ideal situation.

Let's throw on top of that a call at 4pm from Daycare that same day saying that Landon is complaining of his belly hurting.  I quickly told them that he probably has to go to the bathroom and that I'll be there as soon as I can.  I walk into their room at daycare and he's in the bathroom.  He threw up 5 min before I got there...

Awesome.

Thinking it was only food poisoning or a bad batch of peaches, we asked Ethan's sister and our niece over to play on Saturday.  About 10:30am Harper came over, sat on my lap, mentioned she wasn't feeling good and proceeded to barf on me. I thank God there were people there to help.  Otherwise, I might have just joined in on the "fun".

For the next 4 days, Harper ran a fever and didn't eat much.  Finally on Thursday, (this is the end of the 2 week hell...I swear) I took her to the doctor with Landon in tow.  They wanted to do a urinalysis to make sure she wasn't battling a UTI or Kidney Stones.  I kid you not, I tried for 2 hours in the doctor's office to get Harper to go to the bathroom.  A 5x5 room with a toilet, automatic hand towels and a low enough sink for Landon to reach the faucet became my war room.  Between convincing Harper to JUST GO ALREADY and scolding Landon to get out of this and stop touching that, I about lost it.  I think at one point, Harper was starting to fake cry and I almost blurted out "SHUT THE F*%# UP!"  I can only imagine what the nurses were thinking as they walked by...at one point we had 6 balloons blown up, PJ Masks playing on my phone and one bag of Belvita Bites split between them.

We left the doctors office unsuccessful and with a goodie bag of potty items to try at home.  I got a text 30 minutes after I dropped them off at daycare that she had just gone potty....useless as I forgot to give them the goodie bag...

That night I was determined to get this done.  My mom suggested cleaning out her little potty really well with hot water, drying it and just having her go in there.  So I did just that.

As she was sitting on the little potty before bed, I heard that sound.  That "I think I'm gonna poop" grunt from her.  And then, I swear to you, she took the most massive dump in that very clean little potty.  For the remarkable ending that I could not come up with on my own even if I tried, she turned to me and said "Mom, aren't you so proud of me for going poo poo on the potty?!"  

I am.  I was.  I swear.

I also wanted to cry and give up and throw something.  My emotions were running so high.  Work, more work, sick kids, stubborn kids, and now THIS?!  Parenting is HARD.  Keeping it together so your 2 year olds don't feel your stress and anxiety is HARD.  Getting Harper to pee on the potty so the doctor can figure out what is wrong....IMPOSSIBLE.  

If you are wondering, it finally happened.  We got the results that nothing was wrong with her (something every mom hopes to hear but also wishes that there WAS something to explain the fever and sickness).  We haven't had any more episodes of unexpected work situations or sick kids in about 2 weeks.

Maybe THIS is our turning point...but I know better...

That's a Heavy Burden to Carry...

This election has been particularly hard for me. Never before have I had to consider the molding of two young human beings.  I haven’t had to consider what their next 4 years (or 8) both in and out of school might look like, how their classroom might be affected and how their worldview might be shaped by a president of our country.   I haven’t had to think about how to explain to them that they are growing up in a {politically} divided house but that there are more common ground issues than there aren’t.  That two words, Democrat and Republican, carry with them the constant connotation that one is better than the other. 

But here we are.  And. I. Am. Terrified. 

This is a much bigger burden to carry than I ever anticipated, especially in a time when both mainstream candidates can be polarizing.  But what I do know is that I want our kids to grow up in a country where tolerance is talked about as a way of inclusion rather than exclusion.  Where my baby boy and baby girl can go to school and have access to resources rather than worry about their curriculum or if the school will maintain funding to give them the tools to excel academically.  I want both our children to experience friendships that are not underlined by racial fears presented by a leader of this country, but racial differences that are embraced because we live in America – the great melting pot of culture, race and ethnicity.  Most of all, I want them to know that love is a feeling.  Not a platform.  That they can love their friends regardless of what others might be saying.   That, when the time comes, they can fall in love with whomever their heart beats for and that not only will their friends and family understand, but strangers who they may have interactions with will be understanding as well, because they have had a leader to base their reactions and world-views by.  My greatest fear is that instead of becoming a culture, society and country that fosters growth, development, inclusion and respect, we are slipping into a vortex of fear and hatred.  That what we do not understand or cannot place into a “box” is therefore wrong or evil.  

And thinking about this and how it will affect our innocent and precious kids makes me sad.  Because as a parent, we can only do so much.  We can only model the type of behavior we wish our kids to absorb.  We are not immune to our kids hearing and seeing and living through a time where hatred may win and social media may become their only source of information.   So how do we make the “right” choice?  How do we look at our next 4 years and know that they will be in Kindergarten by the time this opportunity comes around again to make it “right”?  When they start learning about presidents and laws and the Preamble, will it be under toned with anger that in 2016 we had a drastic change in the way our country was looked at and talked about?  It’s all bubbles and chalk on a hot day now.   But soon, their world will be filled with history lessons.  How do we write that history in a way that they can be proud of us as parents?

That’s a heavy burden to carry.  So heavy.

What we have been up to since October

October.  I feel like that's the last time I was able to breathe.  A real, deep, "I got this" breath.  Since then, life, man.  Life.

In November, Ethan received an offer to move to Iowa and work for another Health care company as they started up Managed Care of the Medicaid program and population.  Excitement overcame us as we had talked well before even having kids that we would want to someday move back to Iowa to raise our family.  This was really going to happen.  With a solid job offer and a stellar relocation package, we started house hunting in the Des Moines area immediately.

I remember waking up over Thanksgiving weekend and reading a headline in the QCTimes.  It was about Ethan's new company and their legal struggles with the Iowa contract.  We prayed feverishly that Iowa was still in our plans, that we were meant to move and that this was still best for our family.  We continued to search for a house, I interviewed and landed a job as well and we coasted into December while preparing our townhouse in Villa Park to be put on the market.

In December, we found a house, put an offer in and had it accepted, and lost the house due to the seller not complying with the disclosure and repairs.  Ethan started his position in Iowa on December 14th, in the middle of my panic about where we were going to live now and Christmas fast approaching.  Again, we prayed - feverishly.  For two weeks, Ethan worked in Iowa Monday through Friday while I worked in Chicago and had the kids.  We would meet in Davenport on the weekends.

Just before Christmas, we put an offer in on another house and couldn't imagine another location that was more perfect for our family.  Christmas day/weekend was a whirlwind.  While trying to make it as normal as possible for the kids, we were hit with another blow about Ethan's work.  The appeal for Ethan's work was not granted and now a court case ensued.  Again - we prayed that this was in our plans.  We talked about not moving, about me staying in Chicago with the kids as long as possible until this all played out.  But in our hearts, we knew Iowa was the place and that we would make it work no matter what.  I drove back to Chicago after Christmas, leaving the kids with my parents and finishing out my final week of work there.

The New Year brought on a new job for me in Des Moines.  We are so thankful for Ethan's sister and brother-in-law, Erin and Chase, for allowing us to crash in their house for 3 weeks while we worked and waited on the closing of our dream home.  The kids stayed in Davenport and got to spend some quality time with both sets of grandparents during the week.  As hard as this was on us, we also really appreciate the willingness of our parents to step in and help out when we needed it the most.

On January 21st we closed on our house in Urbandale, IA.  A dream house.  One that I knew we could grow with and live a life we had hoped for.  Jobs were steady and the kids joined us for the first time that weekend.


(New house!)

So, things slowed down after that....right?

Wrong.

Between new jobs, new daycare and unpacking - I don't really remember anything until mid February.  That was when the court decision pertaining to Ethan's job was final and all employees were given a 30 day notice.  Awesome.  Luckily, I married a hustler and go-getter.  One who doesn't sit on the sidelines and watch life pass by.  Ethan had already secured another job (with the company I am working for - I guess we just like working together!) and was scheduled to start at the end of February.  I admire Ethan for this because the new job in Iowa is not his dream job.  It is not on the same level as the one we moved here for but it pays the bills and he still gains a ton of experience.  It's not an easy task to give all of yourself for a job you only feel luke-warm about.  The silver lining for this time period - we sold our town home in Villa Park.  No double mortgage and no worrying about when or how we would unload that place.

So how did it become June already?  We don't know.  Easter was a blur again, Mothers day the same.  I think Memorial Day weekend was the first time we were able to sit around and ENJOY the house and all it has to offer.  We hosted my family and cousins and aunt that weekend and our house was filled with joy, food and laughter for 3 full days.  Our hearts were bursting through this weekend.  Slow days and good company.  Just what we needed.

As we enter the dog days of summer, we find ourselves sitting back as the kids play in the yard.  We couldn't help but think "THIS is what we have been waiting for".  Waiting for them to be "old" enough to play on their own, waiting for a YARD to enjoy, waiting for neighbors who talked to us and had kids as well, waiting for parenting to feel a little less like a chore and more like "we got this" and waiting for Iowa...in all it's slowed down, fresh produce, room to grow glory.

We made it.  It's all a blur (much like having twins)....but we made it.

     
      
    

 


 

Definitions

Harper: aka Peanut, Harps, baby sis, sass, love bug.  Full of life and a solid vocabulary. Quick to pick up on new phrases and jokes. Opinionated and strong willed but sweet and ready to make amends. Our real life sour patch kid at times.  Admired for your free spirit.  Often acts like the older child and not afraid of a time out (or 2). Affectionate and silly all in one. You know what you want, when you want it. Driven and passionate. Usually the first one up in the morning and never upset at the rising sun. You dance around with caution as if you know the ground below you isn't always stable. Wise beyond even your understanding. Never ready to go to sleep but always tired enough. You make us giggle and yell all in one breath. Your eyes and smile light up our hearts and life just wouldn't be as memorable without you. 

Landon: aka Bubba, bubbster, landozer, mister, handsome. The goofiest kid we know. The compassionate one and such a lovie.  You are the first to give up a toy to avoid an argument or bring a toy to stop someone's tears. A true boy with a "I want to fix it" attitude. Your heart is bigger (and wiser) than your years. Our  solid boy who doesn't realize his strength both physically and mentally. You can melt us with your big blues and drown us in your whines.  Always ready for a nap because you put 100% into everything you do.  We can always count on you to lighten the mood and love your dance moves.  You remind us to just be in the moment and love whole heartedly. 

Patience

My sweet babes -

Next week you turn 2.  I'm still not sure how that happened or where the time went. I look back at pictures of you and I remember it so vividly and murky all in one. Did I ever get to snuggle your 5 pound little bodies?  I hardly remember it if I did.  Constantly worried about the next feeding or nap or item on my agenda...but then again I remember every detail. How I was so worried about Landon because he was so tiny (something we chuckle about now because he looks like he doesn't miss a meal).  I clearly remember Harper "singing" to us from early on and knowing from the moment she was born that she would have her mothers' sass. 

Whether I remember every detail or "milestone" or not, I know for certain that over the last 2 years you both have taught me more about patience than I ever thought possible. Patience in those 2am feedings that I wanted to end so badly but now would welcome just to hold you.  Patience in the way you first scooted up and down the stairs, taking forever and prolonging every event.  Patience in breakfast, lunch and dinner. I am certain that Harper can drag out a meal all day if we let her. Patience to teach and show rather than command and yell. It is a constant lesson you bestow upon me. 

"Slow down, Mom. Enjoy the moment.  Have patience in me and see how I do".  

Okay, babes.  I will. I'll be patient as you choose your shoes for the day or what truck to bring to daycare.  I'll be patient as your little feet pitter patter down the sidewalk and we are late for our appointments. I'll be patient as you wiggle and squirm too tired to sit still but not tired enough to fall asleep.  

I'll be patient. 

Because I didn't know it at the time, but I really did wait my whole life for you and couldn't imagine it any other way.  So turn 2, go ahead.  I can't stop that, but I can be extra patient this week in hopes of savoring every lasting moment of this year.  

From the "Mom Side"...

I'm coming off of 3 days of inspiration, motivation and confirmation at the annual IACAC conference.  I remember quite clearly my first conference 2 years ago.  I was still very green in the Admissions field (some/most days I STILL feel this way!) and had just found out I was pregnant with twins.  The conference felt like a blur.  It was my first introduction to so many influential people who's names are now familiar.  Flash forward through a pregnant fall travel season, 2 kids and maternity leave and I found myself at my 2nd conference last year.  I so looked forward to really diving into some of the sessions and learning more.  During the morning on the 2nd day, I received a message that Landon had a fever and I had to pick him up from daycare - cue double ear infection and a mom who had to stay home and miss the rest of the conference.

This year I was determined to make it through without distractions and totally focused on meeting new people, gaining knowledge and getting re-invigorated for the job that I love (though during this crazy busy, often depressing time doesn't feel like it).  I had taken Anne Kremer's words from her President's speech very literally last year and volunteered to work the Registration on the 1st day - I had said YES.  I said YES to networking and being in the moment, to advancing my relationships with my colleagues and learning about new opportunities.  So, as you can imagine, I was less than thrilled when Harper woke up at 9:30pm with screams so piercing that I'm still trying to figure out how Landon didn't wake up.  It took over 30 minutes to calm her down and by this point I had panicked.  Ethan was traveling and I was SURE she needed immediate medical attention.  I texted my aunt who lives the closest and had her come over "just in case".  By the time my aunt arrived, Harper had calmed enough and greeted her with a smile.  Kids often make liars out of us, don't they?

In the back of my head, I kept saying "NOT DURING CONFERENCE WEEK" but also felt guilt for not feeling the sense of urgency or desire to take care of a sick kid.  I wanted it all and wrestled with the fact that I could not do just that.  Fitting, I thought, as I was looking over the schedule for the next day.  "From the Mom side of the desk" was the morning session I was planning to go to.  You see, over the last 2 years, I have met incredible women who are in College Admissions making it work for them.  The early mornings, long days, late nights, weekends, events, interviews, meetings, ect.  They were doing it.  And here I was, LONGING to not have the responsibility of kids so that I could "do it all".  But what if we change our notion of "having it all"?  What if WE (as mothers) define our path and our abilities rather than comparing ourselves to childless women?  We are different.  We think differently, act differently and prioritize differently.  I was not a bad worker because I had to take my kids to the doctor (for the second year in a row).  I was not a bad employee because I missed the lunch and afternoon sessions that day but returned for networking at dinner and seeing one of my mommy mentors win a well-deserved award.  I was not a bad admissions representative because I said "not right now" to work and "snuggle in" to my kids.  Priorities shift and work becomes "different" than what we were so used to.  The solidarity I felt through that "Mom Side" session this week reminded me that what I am doing is strong work.  It matters.  I matter.  And, there are other women who also feel this pressure to "do it all" as they used to.  Just like regional admissions representatives often work "differently" than their office based counterparts, I would contend that moms work "differently" (though, just as hard) as their childless counterparts.  Something to remember as both mommyhood and careers become more demanding of our time, energy, patience and focus. 

Quick updates - January

It amazes me that Harper and Landon hear the same words every day, yet they know and say very different words.  We read the same books and talk the same way to the both of them.  Twins are awesome like that.  Little people, born on the same day from the same mom yet vastly different personalities and experiences with each. 

Harper: No, stop, moo, *horse noise*, mama, dada, hi, wow, whoa, cool
Landon: Yah, more, hi, bye, mama, dada, wow

Both are incredibly perceptive and understand much more than they can say.  Landon is a bulldozer during play but such a sweetheart and a caring boy.  The other night when I was getting Harper ready for bed, he grabbed the comb, crawled over to her head and starting "combing" her hair.  This morning, she was fussing when I was changing her and he brought her 2 Cheerios and tried to give them to her (you know, in case she needed them).   Harper is a free spirit.  She will walk and pace and just talk up a storm to whoever will listen.  She recently figured out how to really hug (something I think her dad taught her - he's a GREAT hug giver).  She has an infectious smile too.  A very teethy and wide open smile that just warms your heart.

We just had their 15 month check up and all is well.  Landon comes in at over 27 pounds of pure boy.  Dense is the best way to describe him.  Just a solid mass of a little kid.  Harper weighs in at 22 and a half pounds and is much stronger than she appears.  The doctor was impressed and happy with their growth and development - a true blessing as we find ourselves constantly questioning if we are doing the right thing, teaching them enough or giving them enough experiences. 

This weekend we head home for my work, next weekend we head to Des Moines for "Muenchmas".  All of this is happening while we ANXIOUSLY await the arrival of our new nephew or niece.  Erin and Chase are hanging in there and baby G is keeping warm with mom.  They are already great parents and it has been so fun watching them over the last 9 months or so.  We cannot wait for them to join the ranks of parenthood and feel everything we have over the last 15 months with Landon and Harper.  It's something so so special and we know how blessed they are about to be.